I'm a stubborn bird

I'm just winging it.

Motherhood that is. I mean, of course I google things almost daily to see what the others are doing. Ya know, like 'what kind of sippy cup is best' for Scarlett's age and 'give me some damn finger food ideas because I'm already stumped'. But ultimately, no matter who I ask for opinions, no matter what articles I read, no matter what informative emails I receive -- from the hospital that will continue to bleed me dry until I'm in the ground -- I do what I want. I buy the sippy cup that's pretty and fits her age group and I break up pieces of whatever the hell I want and put them on her highchair tray. The best part? She's doing just great.

8 months and an elephant

Yep. Scarlett is officially eight months old today! Can you believe it? I know I can't. Truly. She's doing great, she's such a happy girl. I love spending every second I can with her... she's just amazing.

remember our treasures

"We move from terror and loss to unexpected good fortune, and out of darkness hope is born."

I heard this quote when I was in high school on an episode of My So-Called Life. Angela Chase read it from a book about Tarot I'm quite certain. Nevertheless the quote has remained with me all these years. I just love its truth.

I recently read of the passing of two beautiful baby girls. Baby Zoe had a malignant Rhabdoid Tumor and Baby Avery had Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Each also had their own loving parents, family and friends. Each taken away from the world before ever getting a chance to really see its beauty.

5.5.2011

May 5, 2011 ... a.k.a. Cinco de Mayo ... a.k.a. the day that our lives really started.

My husband and I had been awaiting this day for nearly five months. We were heading to the doctor's office for an ultrasound. Not just your typical ultrasound ... this was THE  ultrasound. We were about to find out the sex of our baby! I was cool and calm on the outside but man, was I bursting with excitement on the inside. Oh, the anticipation!! Such a wonderful feeling.

Our great friends were visiting from Colorado so a bunch of us started the day with a delicious breakfast at a (former) favorite spot. It wasn't until the very end of our meal and conversation that I mentioned our upcoming afternoon appointment. Their faces lit up! Our visiting friends -- having a four month old baby boy -- knew all about the joy that was about to rock our world. Everyone gave their best guesses and demanded immediate texts when we learned if we were blessed with a boy or girl.

Because of our previous loss (in October 2010) we had more ultrasounds than the average pregnancy would entail. Each one, along with excitement, brought a bit of anxiety and at times nausea. I think we were both preparing ourselves for bad news so the blow would be softened if that moment did come. And thank God it didn't. Not this time.

Gregg had worked that morning and finished up early and met me at home. We went to the appointment together, both ready to jump out of our skin. Nineteen weeks had led us to this moment... a long, long awaited moment in time that would change our lives forever. 

We found ourselves in that familiar room. The room where we first had received amazing news. The room where we had also received the most devastating news of our lives. We were ready. The tech rattled off the usual instructions and before we knew it we were viewing our little pea on screen. I think we were both amazed at how much the baby had grown. The tech began to show us the arms, legs, hands, feet, heart, kidneys, bladder, stomach etc. It was wonderful to hear and see that everything was growing and functioning as it should be! That is all that matters, after all. But you can't blame a new parent (or an old pro!) for being super excited to find out whether they're buying blue overalls or pink sundresses!

The time came. The tech asked us if we wanted to find out the sex. "OH YES!!" we anxiously replied. Naturally, the baby had its legs closed tightly together. The tech had to do some prodding. She moved my stomach around as if it were molding clay. I felt disgusting at the thought of my flab being pulled around like Silly Putty. I quickly thrust my self-consciousness out the window and focused on the news... "Well, it looks like you've got a little girl here!" Oh my God is she serious?? She wouldn't joke, would she? Do I get excited?? Is this for real or is she going to say BOY in a second?? My mind was racing and my smile, wide. Gregg grabbed and shook my foot as he knew how badly I wanted a baby girl. "GET OUT! I'll DIE!!" That's what I so eloquently said to the ultrasound technician. She again said she was pretty sure. I asked her for a percentage of accuracy and she felt that she was 85% accurate in her deciphering. I'll take it!! I was over the MOON. Gregg was beaming at the thought of his little baby girl (but I think he was mostly excited that I was getting my wish).

We floated out of that doctor's office. Our first stop? Target. I needed to buy sundresses immediately. And we did just that. Sundresses in pinks and yellows. Little sleepers with hearts on them. Mama's dream come true. I was having a baby GIRL.

My heart still leaps when I think of this day. I'm not a girl who gets everything she wants. I'm not the one you envy for my material possessions or awe-inspiring lifestyle. My life is very simple. It's about love. My love for my husband, my family and now this immense love for someone that I hadn't yet met but loved with all of my heart. My baby girl. My sweet Scarlett June. I got my wish this time. And all the wishes before it could not compare. I am forever grateful.

I'm linking this post up with The Lightning and the Lightning Bug for Dare to Share: 

The Big Day

Dr. Switchyswappy

Well, I've done it. I've already switched pediatricians. I've been thinking it over since Scarlett was just one month old. I just had this instinct about another doctor within the same practice. One that I'd met while I was in the hospital recovering from my C-section. She was so wonderfully sweet and had such an authenticity about her. I remember how softly she spoke and how she was always smiling and complimenting the baby. Treating her with that little 'specialness' that I'd hoped for. It stuck with me.

The doctor that I had chosen was perfectly nice; she did nothing to offend me. But I felt that her relationship with Scarlett was a very general one. There was nothing special about it. No wonderful remarks, no compliments, nothing in particular that might have set this relationship apart from the hundreds of others she keeps. It was always strictly business. First, the typical questions to make sure Scarlett was hitting all of her marks. Then the Q&A which was always very broad and I was left to google the majority of my uncertainties. And I realized that if I didn't ask it - it wasn't being discussed. We do receive a sheet of generic guidelines for the upcoming months but I feel like I need to get a little more out of each visit. I am hoping the new doctor will be more descriptive and informative.

I'm guessing it might sound unrealistic to want this magical doctor experience since Scarlett is barely six months old. But as a new mom I want her to have the best she can if it's in my power to make it so. I want her to be in the best of company as long as I am the one making those decisions. Most importantly, I want to be sure that I'm leaving every doctor's appointment with the knowledge and satisfaction that we deserve.

Hope I don't pass the old doc in the hall ... awkwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd

   

 {photo source}

Monday: minute by minute

Now THIS is a beautiful day. It is currently 72 degrees, sunny and blue. Absolutely gorgeous. As soon as I got out of bed this morning I flung open the windows. I'll admit I had to dust a few that hadn't been touched since probably October. One awesome thing about our house is that we get fantastic cross breezes. The scent of fresh air is one of the things I enjoy most about a nice day.

I chose Scarlett's outfit easily this morning. It's nice to not have to bundle her up so much... gives us both more freedom. I settled on a long-sleeved Hello Kitty onesie with polka-dotted sleeves and cupcakes on the front. The colors are so soft and summery - pastel pink, purple, yellow and aqua. I was pleased and amazed to find aqua colored pants to match it perfectly. So cute. 

We enjoyed our slow morning. I sipped coffee at the dining room table, leafing through the Sunday fliers while listening to a relaxing ipod playlist. Scarlett had a ball screeching and practicing her acrobatics in her doorway jumper. She's such a maniac in that thing. It's hilarious. I never would have bought one and am so glad my sister-in-law gave us hers. While S was taking her morning nap I decided that I would bring her over to see her ninety year old great-grandmother today. She gets such joy out of her visits. It's priceless to see her playing with the baby. She smiles the entire time and even has to take Ibuprofin because her back hurts from leaning over so much!

Whilst I was getting myself ready our power went out. Not a big deal since I was just about ready to go to Grammie's. I packed up the car with our bags and stroller and heard my neighbor's voice. She asked if I had also lost power and then walked over to see the baby (for the first time) and we chatted for a minute. We both marveled at the fact that Scarlett will be SIX MONTHS OLD on Saturday. I can't even fathom it. 

Upon arriving at my mother's house I noticed that she had lost power too. Bummer. I was hoping for a delicious lunch but ended up with a peanut butter sandwich. Still not bad. We played with the baby for a while and I decided to come home to do some writing but of COURSE I'm drawing blanks. So here I sit with my Monday minute by minute that's about as exciting as a beige necklace. I'll get back to my project one day ... when the inspiration is dripping from my fingertips. 

Hope you are all enjoying your Monday wherever you are, whatever you're up to.

 

The Nap-Gestapo

Okay baby, you have a fifteen minute window to poop startiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing (clicks stopwatch) NOW - Go!

Too rigid? Perhaps, but exactly how carefree can I be without unraveling like a cheap-ass sweater you'd find at the local drug store? I'm the type of person that thrives on organized regimens and control. I demand that my baby girl's ass explodes before I put her in the Christening dress, I admit it. If the clipboard says 'it's time for peas and a bottle' you'd better believe that my girl will be green-snouted and pot-bellied within the half hour.

So, is that such a BAD thing? Having a finely tuned schedule that works for everyone? I don't think it is. It did take about five months to really get it all down. Until that point it was a grab bag of semi-controlled chaos at best. I realize that babies do their own thing. I know they follow their own natural paths. I get it. But is it so wrong to want to help them along and maybe benefit from it in my own sneaky way? Nah.

It's not like I can't go with the flow to a certain extent. I mean, I don't believe that Scarlett is going to eat, crap and nap at the same exact times every day. I don't naively think that her routines won't change a thousand and forty eight more times before she is two. I've heard that as moms we are supposed to surrender all control and just let things go as they will. That's just not gonna fly with me.

Everything works well for us on a daily basis but occasionally we run into a few snags. Like, for instance, if we are invited out at night. BEFORE, when Scarlett wasn't going to bed until 11pm it wasn't an issue. But NOW that she has her last bottle at 7:30pm and is in bed by 8 o'clock - I don't want to mess with that. I like to be home by 7 o'clock with the baby in her cozy sleeper, wound down, soothed and ready for slumber. If we stay out later than that she's all out of sorts. Overtired and over-stimulated. It has taken up to two weeks to get her back on track in the past. It's simply not worth it.

So for now, I continue to carry my clipboard and click my stopwatch. I am running the show - with Scarlett as my co-host. A bit of role-reversal? Yeah, maybe... but I like it this way. And she does too. Her beautiful, consistent smile is all the proof I need.

I wrote this post based on The Lightning and the Lightning Bug's 

Flicker of Inspiration Prompt #42: Killer First Line.

 

The Scarlett Letters: #4

I hear you.

You've woken up from your forty minute nap and you are making the sweetest sounds my ears have ever heard. Are you talking to yourself? Or maybe your little dolly? I hear smacking noises. You're most likely sucking your thumb or your entire hand. Fumbling sounds come next. I envision a limb or two sticking out of the crib railings. You just love to do that.

I almost can't wait to come and pick you up. Your sweet smile is something I will never grow tired of.

I love to hold you so, so tight... and whisper your name to feel your cheeks puff up as you grin. I'll open the shades and the sunlight will pour in making your blue eyes even brighter. You are absolutely beautiful. My beautiful girl.

You are growing so fast. Each day more active, more alert. Soon you will be crawling. Investigating everything around you. Be patient as I cautiously protect you and smother you with I love you's and kisses.  I'll do it as long as you let me.

I can't describe how much I love you. It's much brighter than the sunshine, more awesome than the moon, much larger than the universe.

I may need a second heart to carry all of my love for you.

Forever,
Mama

Monday: minute by minute

I knew today was going to be great when I heard the weather forecast yesterday. Sunny and 66! That's my favorite kind of day. I love that little chill and the liberty to wear almost anything at all and be comfortable. I immediately scheduled my walk with Pea, planning to go during her morning nap time.

I woke up at the normal time, opened the curtains, fed the dog, emptied the dishwasher, prepped Scarlett's breakfast - you know, the daily glamorous chores. Made my coffee and went up to get Pea for her breakfast of oatmeal and apples followed by her bottle. She was happy as a clam and played with her fruit teething ring and her little, crinkly giraffe as I cleaned up the breakfast dishes and had myself a bowl of Quaker Oatmeal Squares. (I've been switching it up lately from my years of having the same egg-whites and wheat toast every stinkin' day). (I also rekindled my love for Cracklin' Oat Bran). I then set up a little photo-shoot for my mother-in-law's birthday today. After about fourteen pictures we got the perfect one...

 I die that it looks like she is pointing to the sign.... Sigh. She melts my heart. 

My mom stopped by to drop off a newspaper, new children's book and a couple of sleepers that she bought for Scarlett. She played with her while I got dressed for our walk. Not much needed today - just some comfy yoga pants, a short-sleeved t-shirt and sneaks. Easy. I dragged the giant stroller outside and suited up Pea. She wore a pink cable-knit hat, a fleece sleeper and a pink blankie. I grabbed my sunglasses, keys, Chapstick, Kleenex, a burp cloth and my phone... and we hit the trail. I was super psyched about a new app that my husband found that would track my walk/calories burned etc. Yet, stupid me, I ruined the whole thing by stopping to take THIS picture...

Yeah. Not only is it of crappy quality - it's cut way further off than I thought - since the sun was reflecting off of my screen and I couldn't see a damned thing. Oh well. I know that we walked for 35 minutes and I was truckin' because I wanted to see the results. Next time, no mediocre photography. Score one for Mother Nature, luring me in with her blue-skied trickery.

Pea took a short nap on the walk and decided it was playtime again once we got home. I imagine that Brody barking in our faces as we entered the house had something to do with her alertness. I boiled up another twelve eggs (we make 24 each week) and I ate two for my snack/lunch. Scarlett had her bottle and then we continued playing, rotating her various options ie: Bouncy chair, pack 'n' play, doorway jumper, Baby Einstein exersaucer and of course rolling around in the floor. She LOVES to roll over and over and over - and I love to watch her do so.

That was our Monday minute by minute ... up until 1pm anyway. Hope you all have been enjoying your day as well!  

The Scarlett Letters #3

 

 

all prettied up in pink & gray

 

bunny feet!!

 LOVES this "handy" teether hehe

 dressed for Spring in honor of this 64 degree day!!

 loves to stick her feet through the crib railing

 all smiles for mama

had to put the pack 'n' play in the living room today because...

Well, I have made one of the most popular "new mom" mistakes - I left Miss Scarlett unattended for a few minutes. She was laying on a big blanket in the floor with her toys all around her. She always rolls onto her stomach and plays but THIS time she decided to roll clear across the room. When I walked in she was over near the front door where we keep her toy box (a.k.a. storage ottoman). I was absolutely shocked that she could have gotten that far in the amount of time that I was gone! What a little scamp!! I used two blankets this morning and watched her rolling all around. It's actually hilarious. But I realized that if I need to leave the room I need to have a safe place to stash her - hence the lovely pack 'n' play. This all is happening too suddenly! I need her to move at a country pace - not a Manhattan pace. (Must invent a time-pausing device).

The Scarlett Letters #2

My dearest Scarlett,

Thank you so much for going to bed at eight o'clock two nights in a row! I have worked for five months to try to get you on this schedule. All of those times you would wake up and I would have to bounce you back to sleep for hours (since you refuse to let me rock you) I never realized it was because you were overtired. I didn't know that I should have just tried putting you down to sleep earlier to benefit us all. How was I to know that you could forgo an entire bottle so easily? A mere two ounces extra in your bottle has allowed you to sleep soundly and not wake forty-five minutes after you fall asleep. The fact that you stay happily in your crib until I come up and get you each morning makes my life a true JOY. You are amazing. People continue to tell me, "just wait" -as though I am to sit and dread some terrible routine that you're going to get into. I refuse to just wait, dwelling on some possible negative scenario around the bend. I enjoy you now. You have slept through the night since you were about eight weeks old and we are so very thankful for that. I don't mind that you don't take more than a couple of catnaps during the day because you give me a full night's sleep which allows me to enjoy you even more. Last night I accomplished a full pedicure and manicure once you drifted off ... and I dedicate them to you. My love, my heart, my moon. I love you more than you will ever truly know. Always, Mama.

the "I jus-hafta"s

I have come to realize that as soon as we came home from the hospital my husband and I also gave birth to a whole new world of language. Here we were with this beautiful bundle of joy, brand new to the world, and while we should have been focused on bringing our smart cards to the table we were acting as though we just failed kindergarten.

Oohs too cuutes?? Youuus too cuuutes!! Oohs does pee?? Ooh dizz sweets!

Just a glimpse of the ridiculousness. Which is to be expected, I mean, I know there aren't many new parents who are reading their four day old baby The Wall Street Journal. I think allowing yourself to be silly is partly what makes a good parent a GREAT parent.

All goo-goo and raspberries aside - I did pick up on one pretty interesting oddity that occurred shortly after the baby was yanked from my uterus. I noticed that my husband and I began to quite frequently use the phrase, "I jus-hafta". The phrase is most often uttered to the spouse having "free-play" while the utterer is holding/watching the baby.

Examples:
"I jus-hafta shave and brush my teeth"

"I jus-hafta go on the computer and check something real quick" {Sidenote: I LOVE "real quick" simply because it feels like you're inconveniencing the other person a bit LESS if they believe you will be SO FAST - a la Napoleon Dynamite: "Can I try really quick?" in the infamous bicycle scene}

"I jus-hafta finish doing these dishes and call my mom"
"I jus-hafta run downstairs and do my workout"
"I jus-hafta wash my face and file my nails"
"I jus-hafta take my vitamins and vacuum the living room"
"I jus-hafta finish burning the photos"

You get the idea. And yes, some are more elaborate than others - usually I am the dramatic one. I will sometimes add five things to the list. I didn't really notice Gregg doing this until recently but I always felt guilty as the words would leave my mouth. Seemed as though I was trying to get away with something when really I was just rushing off to a chore or task. It's not like either of us say "I jus-hafta go lay in bed and watch three hours of Boardwalk Empire while eating cotton candy." I should mention that neither of us feel as though playing with our daughter is something we'd like to be rescued from. I savor every second I have with her - BUT there are times when everybody needs a tag-in. Hence, the "I hafta"s.

   

The Scarlett Letters #1

I'm not usually so generic but I just thought about creating a series of posts about Scarlett. What better a name than The Scarlett Letters? Corny? Maybe, but adorable just the same. Deal with it.

These letters will be anything I want them to be at any given time. No restrictions, no rules. Maybe just a picture or a few lines about her day. Maybe a letter from me letting her know how much she has changed my life. Maybe a list of cutesy things that I found for her on the clearance rack. Ya never know, it's going to be a grab bag ... hope you enjoy them.

Here is the first ever Scarlett Letter:

Well, my big girl is growing SO FAST I can barely catch my breath. I just spent roughly two hours putting away most of her 3-6 month clothing. I have now organized everything into bins and I will admit I got teary while folding away the 0-3 month stuff. I held up the outfit we took her home in and I just couldn't wrap my head around it. She was THIS small?? Where did my baby go? I feel much better having everything packed up and labeled for a possible next baby girl or perhaps to give to a friend in need (if I can ever let these things go).

  

We were both under the weather last week so we've made up for lost time this week. I bought a bunch of new Dr. Seuss books at Target yesterday so Scarlett has been doing a lot of reading... 

We also had a theme day - the theme was hearts, mixed with Punky Brewster I suppose...

She had a little fleece vest spattered with colored hearts to complete the mismatched ensemble.

She's been playing with her feet a lot more these days. She seems to enjoy taking her socks off, thinks she's a big shot with her bare feet - haha - it's pretty cute...

 Scarlett is getting so good at staying on her belly and learning to play with her toys and move herself around. She gets frustrated and takes a time out to suck her thumb now and then but she gets right back at it...

(Sorry, some pictures are a little blurry due to movement, zoom 

and the fact that 99% of uploaded photos are taken with my phone)

And I'll close out my first letter with two last photos ...

^ Transitioning to a sippy cup

^ and I think she's done with the ol' bouncy chair

Hope you all enjoyed the very first Scarlett Letter. Please feel free to comment and let me know what your babies have been up to lately. What's making you proud? What's getting you teary? I'd love to hear it all!

spare time goal

Inspired by The Lightning and the Lightning Bug's prompt I have decided to let you in on a little secret. Well, it's not a true secret because I have told a few people. It's about what I am committed to these days. And no, it isn't my beautiful family - that's just a given. I will never be anything BUT committed to them. However, I have the determination bug again and this time it's a cute one.

I am working on a new children's book. For those of you that don't know, I have previously written a children's book that is yet to be published. (I am also committed to getting that published one of these days). The thought came to me while I was reading to Scarlett one afternoon. Ya know when something basically bludgeons you in the face with the force of a cast iron frying pan? That's how this idea made itself known. It was so simple and so obvious for me and I am one thousand percent committed to it. It does require a lot of effort, a lot of dedication and a lot of constant brainpower. I have all of those things available to me and I am forcing myself to use them beyond their limits. The first book I basically wrote in one afternoon. This one could take me a year. And that's fine; I am not giving myself a deadline. Deadlines seem to make everything feel like a rushed chore. This is my spare time goal, for fun and for a sense of accomplishment.

I am putting this out there because it helps me to focus. I have the drive and I have the creativity. I guess I could just use a little more free time. Even though I remain unemployed my free time is divided up between baby care, errands, showers, laundry, cleaning and meal prep. So how will I realize this dream? When Scarlett takes her 'used to be daily but is now more like once-a-week' marathon nap I race to the computer to tap out some progress. Otherwise I can write out a few quick blurbs while feeding her a bottle and watching Seinfeld reruns. I sneak a few lines on scrap paper as they come to me whether in my car or whilst writing out the grocery list. I keep a notebook close by at all times to record any lines that are not to be forgotten. And, as always, I pluck inspiration from everyday life.

I intend to report back to you in a few months with news of my major progress or by chance a celebration post upon completion of this project. Reading Dr. Seuss to my daughter is always going to take precedence over working on my book but I'll make it happen. Wish me luck! And I wish YOU luck in whatever you are working toward! 

the perfect patient vs the doofus

Today was Scarlett's four month check-up and yes, the visit included SHOTS. Ugh, how I've dreaded it for the past two months. I kept looking into her sweet face as she smiled at me, so innocent, thinking you're going to hate me for this, kid. 

This morning our routine wasn't hindered a bit. Diaper changed, outfit chosen, bottle gulped, playtime ensued etc. As I got myself ready I kept thinking of the appointment. And soon enough we were there, in the room, playing with the weird India-inspired elephant mobile.

the itsy shitsy spider...

"My index finger stopped smelling like Desitin just in time to start smelling like Orajel"

Baby talk...

We've hit a bit of a rough patch over the past couple of weeks. First, miss Scarlett was hit with a stomach bug. Poor thing just did NOT feel good, you could see it in her beautiful eyes. For eight solid days she was leaking through all of her outfits. I did her laundry at least once each day for a week. It was so bad that I would RUN to pick her up from a seated/reclined/laying position when I could see her making "the face". My poor baby woke up in a puddle of horror every morning - and ohhhhhh the smell ... I shouldn't try to describe it, you may vomit. Well, screw it, I will say that it had a pungent, rotten popcorn aroma to it ... it was unacceptable.

Just a December morning ...

Hustle and bustle ay? Yep. Things have been a little hectic. But we're almost through the year! 2011 is heading out already! Man alive. Time sure flies when you're living doesn't it? 

This morning I headed out on some errands with my little lemon pie. I overestimated the chill factor once again and draped her in fleece. Poor kid. She's always sweatin' when we get home. But she stayed silent as I hit the ATM - they changed it around again! I'm shoving deposit slips and envelopes in that slot that is now made solely for checks. Friggin A. I have to come off looking like a moron somehow. After managing to not break the delicate machine we took a quick trip to CVS. I am in there every damned week. I fumbled around for a bit with that weird, tiny drug store shopping cart, trying to attach Scarlett's carrier as safely as possible. (To all you holier than thou mamas, please hold your comments about how we should never place a baby in there and we should always use a stroller made specifically for our car seat carrier or wear our baby for the best bonding experience at all times. I read the same literature. I'm just a rebel I guess... and apparently not as good a mother as you). We managed to get it just right and went on our way, navigating the same aisles over and over. I smiled as passing women gave sweet looks to my baby girl. Some asked her name or how old she is ... some commented on how her eyes were wide open. All seemed to really enjoy her presence. I felt proud to be pushing her... my own child that is bringing joy and smiles to complete strangers. Normally, I am the one sneaking peeks into the passing strollers. I still don't get those few mothers who give snide looks as I smile at their babies. Perhaps if I was wearing a John Wayne Gacy costume I'd understand a bit better. Anyhow, we made it through the shopping trip without a tear. Just a fuss-spell at the counter while the clerk tried to figure out my out-of-the-ordinary coupon. (Of course). After packing up the car we started on our way home, dodging the raindrops. I began my routine of getting the baby in the house first, throwing a cookie outside to my barking dog, unpacking the car, locking everything up, unlatching my child and making her comfortable, putting my goods away and writing up my receipts. After a few phone calls, the baby's bottle and her nap and a load of laundry - here I am... with my cold turkey-loaf sandwich (on Sicilian bread with mustard - what? gross). Do I continue with my week-long cleaning spree? Do I begin baking those Betty Crocker easy-as-hell cookie mixes?? Tell ya what I'd like to do... I'd like to make myself some candy-cane cocoa and watch my DVR'd Christmas specials until miss moon wakes up. Ya know what? I just might.  

yep, I'm pregnant

I did it! I waited 19 whole weeks before spilling the beans! (Hence the lack of blogs.)

Gregg and I are utterly thrilled to announce that we are expecting a baby girl this fall. It's like a dream come true. I think we are both still in shock to be honest. Because of our previous loss (in October 2010) we were very, very nervous throughout the first trimester. Even after my doctor reassured us that the chances of experiencing a loss after hearing the heartbeat at 10 weeks are so, so slim - we still kept our guard up. I only began feeling a little more upbeat after seeing our baby on screen last week and learning that we are having a GIRL. It makes it so real when you are able to use a name -or even a pronoun "she" or "her" - instead of "the baby" or - "IT" (which is just awful). 

So, for all of you who have been taken completely by surprise, here is a recap of the first 19 weeks...

My initial symptoms started early, right around week five. It started with food aversions. I had made a huge batch of broccoli soup- which we LOVED- and a couple of days later I found myself chucking it into the trash can as fast as I could. I just knew if I left it in the fridge a second longer I would die. I couldn't look at it, smell it or even think about it. And to be honest I still can't eat broccoli. Then it was chicken. Brown rice. Coffee. Turkey chili. Spinach. Peppers. My everyday breakfast of egg-whites and English muffins. It seemed as though EVERYTHING that I LOVED to eat on a daily basis was now completely off limits. Awesome. I found myself unable to drink water. Normally I would guzzle down nearly 80 oz per day and now I was struggling to get just 20 oz down. It was so bizarre! 

The nausea followed at week six. I had no appetite whatsoever. You could offer me any food in the world and I couldn't even choose ONE thing that I'd like to eat. I started straying from my typical shopping list and buying things that I hadn't eaten in ten years. Like Chef Boyardee. YUP. I ate canned spaghetti and meatballs. Could you die?? Salt filled canned pasta with skunk meat. I had Ramen noodles - still a favorite but I never buy them due to the sodium. I was drinking gallons of Country Time lemonade. It was all I wanted to drink! I wanted lots of sweets too. My shopping list looked like something a 17 yr old pothead would pen. I begged Gregg to go shopping for me because I was too embarrassed to buy half the stuff on the list. I figured if he got it for me the cashier wouldn't think anything of it because he's tall and lean. If I pull the cart up with that crap in it you know they're judging me. My crazy appetite had quite an effect on our everyday meals. I could never plan to make dinner because by the time I'd make it I couldn't even look at it. Or I would start to eat it and have to throw it away. When I started having to throw food away I decided I wouldn't cook anymore, we would just get take-out or find something easy like PB&J or cereal. I did feel bad for Gregg during this time. It was a bit of a challenge for both of us.

As far as cravings go I didn't have any real crazy episodes. At different times I have wanted: lemonade, Caesar salad, spaghetti, green grapes, pepper-jack cheese, bubble gum, Italian ice, cookies & cream ice cream, an Italian grinder... can't remember any more.  

The fatigue wasn't quite so bad for me as most of my friends had it. I did find it VERY easy to fall asleep at night for once. And I would need a little catnap during the afternoon. A 15 minute snooze was all it took to get me back in action. Being unemployed sucks financially but is fantastic for napping whenever you see fit.

My headaches started around week eight. At first I noticed very sharp headaches that lasted about six hours a couple times per week. Then it progressed to three or four headaches that lasted over 11 hours and were so blinding I had to shut the curtains and at times wear sunglasses in the house. My doctor told me to take Tylenol and have caffeine. I did take Tylenol but I never did try the caffeine. Lucky for me the headaches seemed to stop as of week 18.

The past few weeks have seemed like a dream! The nausea and lack of appetite seemed to come to a halt around 14 weeks. At that time I also found that I didn't need that little nap anymore. (Well, sometimes I still do). I think the only thing going on at this point is that my feet hurt! I guess they widened and I may have fallen arches or something but anyway it is hardly anything to complain about! I am feeling good everyday, my appetite is back - I am even eating STEAK now!! (I have not eaten steak since I was a wee tot, I LOATHED it). We are able to prepare healthy meals once again and I am enjoying the fresh fruits and veggies already!

I'll just leave you with the story of the most exciting day of our life (to date) ... 
Last Thursday, Cinco de Mayo actually, we had my anatomy ultrasound. The purpose is really to measure all of the organs and make sure that everything is developing properly... but everyone knows it's when you find out the sex of the baby. We couldn't WAIT for this day. As soon as we saw the little peanut on screen it was just miraculous. She was moving all over the place (and I still haven't felt any of that!) it was amazing. When we first saw her she had one hand up by her forehead and one knee bent - she looked like me when I'm basking in the sun hahaha. The ultrasound tech said, "Look how dramatic she is already!" It was so friggin cute! So after all of the measurements were taken it was time for the big reveal!! But her legs were too close together! So the US tech was moving my stomach all over the place and we'd watch the baby move too. So cute. Finally I heard, "Well it looks like you have a little girl here" and I could NOT believe it. I had wanted a girl so badly I was just waiting for the word "boy" to come out of her mouth. I said, "GET OUT! I'll DIE!" And she again said that it was a girl. I asked how sure she was and she gave us 85%. (My doctor said she never goes over 90% so it's a pretty good number haha). Gregg and I left that appointment just grinning from ear to ear. We immediately went to buy sundresses.

 That's our baby girl :o)

(we are keeping her name a secret)

We spent the next day registering for our shower. SO OVERWHELMING. We spent four hours in there and I had to do the rest online because I thought my legs were going to give out. We bought a few more outfits too. Hee hee. And today I went on a little spree at Carter's with my mom. My sister-in-law gave us a big bag of adorable clothes that she bought on Friday. My mom gave us another big bag of clothes that she bought also on Friday. These gals were waiting SO long to go shopping! Everyone is just thrilled for us and thrilled that we're having a girl because there are so many boys in the family already. This is my mom's first grandchild so she is just over the moon with excitement. It's been really fun and I just have to let you all know how grateful and thankful I truly am for this experience. I will keep you updated on everything from here on out I promise! Sorry for keeping you in the dark for so long but wasn't it a FANTASTIC secret???



       

our loss...

The past month has been a complete whirlwind and I have surprisingly chosen to share the story...

September 25. The best day of our lives... or so we thought. Gregg was in the kitchen unwrapping our take-out lunches and I was standing in the bathroom in disbelief. I shuffled out to meet him holding the most wonderful news in the palm of my hand. I raised it up so that he could clearly read the word Pregnant. We were ecstatic, shocked, amazed, excited, thrilled, overjoyed, shaking, nervous, nauseous ... you name it. Finally, after over a year of trying, and just a few days before our infertility testing was to begin, we were pregnant! We soaked that moment in for hours and eventually days. 

After realizing we couldn't eat we wrapped up our lunches and just sat together discussing the most amazing news we'd ever had to share. Who would we tell? How and when would we tell our families? When would I call the doctor? It was the best Saturday ever. 


We played with a few ideas and finally settled on how to tell our parents. We were so excited. They had no idea that we had been trying to get pregnant, it was to be a great surprise. We decided to make up signs. We sat together at the dining room table with a bunch of markers and crayons and created our masterpieces. Mine read, "I'm Pregnant!" and Gregg's read, "It was me!" We then took a picture of the two of us smiling and holding our signs and printed two copies - one for each family -  and we decided to wait a week to tell them.

I placed one copy in a benefits enrollment booklet and told my mom that I had questions and needed help. When she leafed through the pages she found it - and she was over-the-moon. She kept asking, Is this real? My grandmother started to cry, she was overcome with happiness - I'd never seen her like that. And my father gave us congratulatory hugs and handshakes. Everyone was just thrilled. 


We placed the other copy in a little box and wrapped it up to give to his mom. He handed his dad some Necco wafers and said, "This is for you" and gave his mom the present saying, "and this is for you." Within seconds we heard the scream of joy and his mom came rushing out to hug us tight and give us her congratulations. His dad, sister, her husband and his family were all very excited and it was a really happy moment. We felt like a weight had been lifted now that we let our families in on our big secret. What a great day. 


My first appointment with the Doctor went well. I had all of my blood work done and naturally the pregnancy confirmation. I was then set up for our first ultrasound. It fell during the week of Gregg's vacation so he wouldn't have any trouble coming with me. We were unable to see the heartbeat yet because we were only six and a half weeks. I don't know why they scheduled it so early but we were excited anyway because everything looked good. She did mention that I was measuring a little small and suggested my dates might be off. Knowing that my dates were 100% correct I was a little bit confused. Unfortunately it became crystal clear to me this past week. 


Last Friday night I started spotting. I have read and heard that this is perfectly normal and a lot of women go through it during early pregnancy. Over the weekend it continued and seemed to get a little heavier. On Monday I called the Doctor and made and appointment for the same day. I was unable to see my own doctor but a midwife was available. She immediately told me that she would be "unable to help me today." I was less than thrilled about that. I wondered why they wouldn't have just set me up with an ultrasound appointment. She went on to tell me that she would order an ultrasound for the next day and she urged me to bring someone with me. She continued to tell me that miscarriage was extremely common - instead of telling me what I hoped to hear, that my bleeding was normal. 

That night I didn't sleep a wink. I had cramping and the bleeding became even more consistent. I was now convinced that I was having a miscarriage. I couldn't stop crying while trying to get ready for the appointment. I was nauseous and shaking. Gregg met me in the parking lot and when I saw him there I began to cry again. The unknown was tearing me apart. 


We were called in for the ultrasound. The tech asked me if I wanted to see the screen and I knew right then that we had lost the pregnancy. I told her no and I looked as far away as possible. She said nothing other than, "You're gonna wanna speak to someone before you leave." She left the room with plans to arrange a visit with the midwife again, since my Doctor wasn't in. I looked at Gregg and said, "That's it." Those were the only words spoken as we walked back out into the public waiting room faced with the upcoming official bad news after just having our hearts broken. We fought back our tears for about fifteen minutes as we watched pregnant women and newborn babies breezing past us. I broke down and ran to the ladies room. 


The midwife explained that it was a miscarriage and that at seven and a half weeks the pregnancy was still only five and a half weeks. It never progressed. We were completely devastated. I didn't even know what questions to ask. I hadn't prepared myself for this. We walked out to the parking lot and went our separate ways. Gregg had to drive his truck all the way back to work to get his Jeep and come home. I called my mom on my ride home because it was her birthday. We had plans to go to lunch and shopping but instead I gave her the heartbreaking news. She insisted that I go home and rest which is what I did. Gregg was there shortly after and we both immediately went to sleep. 


I put away my pregnancy magazines and books, tucked away the congratulatory cards that we'd received, crossed out my upcoming ultrasound and check-up appointments on my calendar and began to process everything slowly. I thought back on the conversations that Gregg and I had - about ideas that we had for the nursery, to-do lists and even where we would keep all of the baby food and bottles in the kitchen. We were just so excited. 


I am currently on day nine of this miscarriage. I have had hardly any sleep, some horrible -and at times agonizing- cramps and sadly, a constant reminder of our overwhelming loss. We know that everything happens for a reason and we know that this doesn't mean that we won't have a healthy pregnancy in the future - but that doesn't make it any easier. We are surrounded by loving families with lots of children, pregnant friends and birth announcements. And many of these friends had to struggle through the same unfortunate circumstance. 

Disappointment is never easy. Having elation ripped out from underneath you is much like a balloon being deflated. What was once full and healthy becomes empty and pathetic. It is hard to remember the feeling of such great joy. But we have faith that we'll have it again some day. We only hope that it doesn't take another year to achieve.