the perfect patient vs the doofus

Today was Scarlett's four month check-up and yes, the visit included SHOTS. Ugh, how I've dreaded it for the past two months. I kept looking into her sweet face as she smiled at me, so innocent, thinking you're going to hate me for this, kid. 

This morning our routine wasn't hindered a bit. Diaper changed, outfit chosen, bottle gulped, playtime ensued etc. As I got myself ready I kept thinking of the appointment. And soon enough we were there, in the room, playing with the weird India-inspired elephant mobile.

"oh it's night night time again... you're getting tired..."

Try to get sleepy Try to get sleepy Try to get sleepy... ... stop playing Scrabble and Battleship on PS3 ...  hmmm perhaps reading will help ... shut the lights off ... let the dimness set in  ... 

This is my nightly mantra. I can't seem to get sleepy lately. Granted, I am unemployed and my days aren't exactly filled with hard labor. Or much easy labor for that matter. And I don't have any children to wear me out. I wake up in the morning between 8 and 9 on the regular. I wouldn't mind getting up at 7, if only I could fall asleep before 1 or 2 a.m. 

 Normally, I shoot for the sheets around 10:30/11. Unsleepy, I lay there flopping back and forth like a pissed-off flounder. Seems like everything I have ever given thought to in my lifetime just forces itself past the dam in my mind...

What is that friggin clicking issue with our TV? I'll have to see if it's under warranty. But, wait, we bought it at Circuit City. Crap. They are out of business. Hmm do they honor their warranties still? Gotta make a note to find out. And what about that water stain on the living room ceiling?? I know that's not going to go away. Where could the leak be coming from? The gutter? The roof? I think we have extra shingles. I don't want to get on the roof and figure it out. I can't fix that shit. How can I afford to fix it otherwise? Hmm maybe with the tax refund. Wait, we probably won't even get a refund because of my unemployment. Well that figures. We wait all year for a TINY bit of relief and we won't even get it. Or how do I know that? Am I working myself up over nothing? Probably. Which reminds me, Gregg hasn't received his W-2 yet. Where could that thing be? OH I should probably set my alarm for the morning. Don't want to oversleep and leave Kim stranded at the airport... 

These are just a few things that ran through my mind last night. Followed by thoughts of: things to add to my resumé, a job that I was told about that I would very much love to have but am not quite sure about qualifications or length of term, getting a new wardrobe when I DO find a job, how desperately we need groceries and dog food, how awesome it would be if we won powerball and I could call Gregg while he is at work and let him know... and the list goes on and on. 

I am clearly awake all day. I think of these things, I research and work on some of them, I make lists and notes all the time of things to do and things we need. I can't quite understand why everything just feels so unfinished the second I hit the pillow. But, at least when I do fall asleep I can usually stay that way for 6 or 7 hours. A few interruptions here and there, but for the most part I feel rested each morning. Which, I guess is all that really matters. I just wish I could give my speed-racer mind some molasses.

i'm more of a "worry tumor" ...

It might be in bad taste to use the word "tumor" to describe myself. Some people are worry warts ... I take that to an extreme level and, from there, catapult it into another dimension. I am not like this at ALL times but let's go with MOST times. I will run down a couple of examples for you as told by my mind:

...What am I wearing for the bachelorette party? How should I wear my hair? Is the weather gonna be shitty? It IS gonna be shitty. I can't wear the suede boots. But it's gonna be cold!!! Those have fur in them, they would keep me warm. Maybe too warm. Don't wanna be sweating. Okay black heels. But the comfortable ones. Those aren't high enough. Shit. Now I can't wear the jeans I wanted to wear. So what jeans now? Everything drags on the floor except those. But I don't like "the butt" on those. Hmm now I have to change the shirt that I picked out to cover some of "the butt". So there goes that necklace I was gonna wear. And I have to change the pocketbook as well. It's POURING - do I need to bring an umbrella?? Yes. I will bring the umbrella. Where will I leave it? Oh I can just leave it in the limo. What if I forget to take it home? Ah who cares, it's just an umbrella that I don't ever use and feel ridiculous carrying...

...Have to pick up the gown on Thursday. Should I try it on one more time to make sure it's okay? But it's already steamed, don't wanna wrinkle it up. But it's gonna get wrinkled anyway when I sit in the car on Saturday. What if it needs to be fixed and I don't try it on?? Then I won't know until Saturday morning which is too late. Okay I will try it on when I bring it home. My stomach looks so fat in it. But I already looked for "undergarments" to no avail. I have a couple of options, if those don't work, screw it. Nothing I can do about it now. Should I wrap an ace bandage around my body? Does that actually work? I am eating asparagus twice every day this week to lose my water weight. Oh my god I am pms-ing and miserable and super tired. What if I have to spend the wedding day in the bathroom every two hours with my silver pouch full of tampons??? What if I can't find a bathroom when we go to take pictures?? Everyone will think I have the runs!!! Holy Mackerel. I have to get my period by Thursday or I am screwed. OR SUNDAY. That would be even BETTER! Okay Sunday, pray for Sunday. Shit. This means I will be extra bloated too. Great more stomach issues. What if the dress doesn't fit at all? What if I look like a snowman?? Wait, I can hide the stomach with the bouquet when I walk up the aisle. But what about the reception all night? Gotta suck it in as best I can...

This is just a mere hour of my worry. When I have something on my mind - I race through horrible "what-if's" like a kid through a hot fudge, creepy clown sundae. Most of it is for nothing. A lot of the scenarios I create in my head never come to light. I know deep down that worrying helps nothing and may or may not be the cause of these sexy crows feet that seemed to crop up last weekend. I guess it is part of my chemical makeup and not much I can do about it. Just be glad it doesn't ALWAYS come out of my mouth... my mind deals with most of the chaotic nonsense all on it's own. :) You're welcome.