don't piss me off, Art

I step in Brody's slobbery drool with bare feet and stamp it all over the house until I can get to a towel.

They have coupons in the fliers for every other razor on the planet but the two that Gregg and I use.

My Keurig denies me a full cup of coffee.

Airplanes wake me up at 3am. WE HAD A DEAL!!!!!!

Someone puts a hand or paw through a screen door or window.

People buy their kids those high-pitched whistles at events. You know the ones I'm talking about.

I see Kanye West's face anywhere. I just wanna punch that stupid mouth (and ego).

I buy those select-a-size paper towels by mistake. I loathe them.

Young girls wear ass-revealing shorts and you just know that their parents bought them.

I find cigarette butts on the beach. Even in my heaviest smoking days I had the decency to take my trash home with me.

I forget clothes in the dryer for hours on end.

I see dogs sliding around in the back of a pickup truck.

The song Daylight by Maroon 5 is on - anywhere, anytime.

Drive-thru-ers have a laundry list of shit to buy. GO INSIDE. I need a coffee, ya lazy ass. (ummm I just heard you say, Why don't YOU go inside you lazy ass!? I thought we were cool).

I finally go to use sour cream and it expired like two days prior.

You have to play the stupid driver game at a four way stop.

I obsess over wanting to get bangs cut, finally do and then immediately pin them up until they grow out.

Scarlett falls asleep in the car for two minutes thus ruining her nap for the entire day.

People don't return their carts to the designated spaces - unless they have a good reason like they're carrying two babies or their arms just fell off - but normally I'm somewhat positive it's just laziness.