who falls asleep THAT quickly??

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It's 9pm in the Leach home. The baby is (on average) still yappin away in her crib, playing with Minnie and Blue, Blankie and Bunny. Gregg is working feverishly at his pre-bed routine of brushing his teeth, getting his clothes and work things ready for 4am and taking the dog outside for his last whiz. What am I doing you ask? Easy. I'm capping off the night with an episode of Roseanne to lull me to sleep with its dreamy harmonica theme and her angelic cackle. Seriously, I watch Roseanne nearly every night.

I arrange my three pillows (none of them worth a damn) in the most beneficial way for Roseanne-viewing. I set my phone to vibrate, throw on some chapstick, slather on some lotion and hit that sack. Gregg follows suit shortly, grumbling about how the dog is an asshole and was too preoccupied with the rabbit in the yard to pee and how he better not wake him up at 3am. I giggle as I throw the queen of spades in a rousing game of Crazy Eights on my phone. Take THAT computer competitor. 

Roseanne and her family do their job - making me laugh and forget my troubles. I rotate four seasons on DVD so I don't get too bored but yes, there are episodes that even the most die-hard of fans has to pass on. Like the Broadway style fantasy episode. Ugh, just a horrible idea.

Gregg hits the pillow with one eye on the TV. After a little of our goofball-slapstick comedy he says "G'nite!" He turns toward me and shuts his eyes. I glance at the clock. Within two minutes I hear him breathing heavier. His nose-breath is basically punching me in the face. I flip my pillow up higher to block it. He is asleep already!! How on earth can anyone fall asleep so quickly??? I bring this up to him on a regular basis. YES, of course I realize how physically exhausting his job is and further recognize the fact that I couldn't do that work for five minutes. But ohhhhh how nice it would be to rest my mind and fall asleep in just a couple of minutes. The minute I hit my pillow it's like my mind drinks a pot of black coffee and gets on the treadmill...

...Ugh, I forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer. And what the hell are we going to have with it anyway? Sweet potatoes I guess. If they aren't covered in sawdust from the broken track on that stupid drawer above. Gotta get that frigging drawer fixed! Can I do it myself? I don't know how to replace a track. Forget it. I'll just move the potatoes. Did I write down my dentist appointment? Is that next week or THIS week? I love my new toothbrush. And those floss pick things. My teeth are in great shape, the dentist is gonna have to admit it. Shit, I didn't get so-and-so's birthday gift yet maybe I can find something at Target I think I have wrapping paper but I should get some anyway so I don't run out. And a bow. I have to call Cox. I have to call Allstate. I have to call MetLife. I need to mail so-and-so's card tomorrow. Did I take my plants in? It's pouring out. My plants are dead. Great. Well they never stood a chance anyway. I should make eggs for the baby in the morning she hasn't had them in a while. Nah, she doesn't even eat them anymore she just throws them to the dog. She can have a waffle and yogurt. We need waffles, I have to write that on the list. Should I go to the market in the morning or wait until the weekend? Oh my God Hannibal is on tonight! She needs to take at least a 45 minute nap tomorrow so I can watch it. 

And on and on and on and on and on ... 

So, kudos to you, Gregg Leach, and all who are like you. Sleep on with your powerful nostril breath and your quick REM achievement, you lucky bastards.