I don't actually mind the number at all - I am simply amazed at how quickly I've arrived at it. And at the same time in awe of the long road I've taken.
Roll back the calendar about fifteen or twenty years. You would most likely find me sitting on my bed in my blue-heavy bedroom burning incense and listening to The Doors, writing poetry and chain-smoking cigarettes, wearing a tie-dye shirt with my long hair hanging in my face. While I had several large circles of close friends and was a social person - I was very much alone in my own mind. Oh how I brooded. I was convinced I didn't have a place in this world. I wished that I'd been born decades earlier. And although I was boy-crazy from age four I just knew that I'd never find anyone that would look twice in my direction. Painfully insecure, I trudged through my days with bottles of Captain Morgan which basically acted as fifty pound weights on my ankles, anchoring me in my own hell. I desperately wanted to escape my reality. At age 36 I can look back upon that reality and say it wasn't that bad but going through it without knowledge or experience was a different story. Everyone has to fight their demons, everyone has a path to take.
My path has lead me here.
Sitting in my lovely home that I share with my beautiful family. Not my bed but a pretty rocking chair. Not my bedroom but a cozy living room. Not incense but a meadow-scented candle. Not The Doors but the sounds of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the television. Not poetry but still writing. Not tie-dye but still a t-shirt. Long hair still in my face but the cigarettes have been gone for many, many years. Still insecure but never do I feel alone. My social circles have changed but not entirely - I've just built deeper friendships with fewer people. Perhaps the biggest change is that I no longer desire an escape route. I love what I've built - on my own and together with my husband.
I've accepted that no matter how hard I've tried there are just some things will probably never change like my incredible self-consciousness. And I guess that's okay. Because that's just the way I am...
and ...
