... fax THIS.

Well I thought I should probably jot down a quick note before I become fully blinded with rage.

Unemployment.

I could stop there, no? That word triggers enough emotions in and of itself. But I won't stop. I will, in fact, let you in on what's pissing me off today.

As you may or may not know - in May I became unemployed for the second time in a year and a half. Luckily I was able to continue my old claim and run out the funds. When that time came (just 4 weeks later) I was placed on the state extended benefits. That was 3 weeks ago. I spent two hours calling and 40 minutes on hold. That was like a sunshine miracle compared to some former days when I had spent 5 hours furiously dialing that number to the call center only to get through and spend 2 more hours on hold. Feeling good that I just took care of this 3 weeks ago you can imagine my disgust when, on Sunday, Tele-serve (the automated payment system which allows you to request your weekly unemployment insurance benefit payments) instructed me to call the office once again. Ahhh something to look forward to. Clear the calendar for Monday! Wait, nope, Monday is a holiday... so that means double the volume of calls on TUESDAYYYY. Awesome.

For anyone who has become unemployed - it is no secret that the phone calls to the unemployment office are always a treat. I like to get my coffee and breakfast and snuggle up in my nice, comfy recliner while dialing. I start with one house phone and dial for an hour until that battery dies. Next I grab the other house phone and dial until I drain that battery as well. I then have a go-to web of profanity that I weave while placing both dead phones back on their bases. Next up, the trusty cell phone. Thank God for options. Today started off like any other day. Started dialing at 7:58 am. Drained phone 1 by 9. Drained phone 2 by 9:40. Used the cell and got through at 9:50. NOT BAD. On hold 'til 10:15. Know what's awesome?? When you are on hold you get to hear some very informative recordings. The catch?? The recordings are only informative to people that are calling the wrong number. So, since I am not a complete moron I just watch television until I hear the ring. That ring is initially so exciting because you know you are just seconds away from speaking to someone who will take care of the situation. Unfortunately today, that someone was heinous. I have had pretty good luck in the past with people being friendly but today I got the best of the best. She spoke too fast with a very thick accent on a crappy connection and she was rude. I couldn't have asked for more.

Since "the quarter ended" I apparently had to file a new claim. She asked me the same questions that I am asked every time I call. (You'd think they would keep the info in their system, no?). She needed me to fax her some information and said to do it as soon as possible so she could call me back and finish the claim. I ran out and faxed it to her within 15 minutes. I have been awaiting her call for 5 hours. Really?? That makes me irate. Granted, I am SO thankful to be able to collect - otherwise Gregg and I would be panhandling down at the BP- but I cannot believe that such an important office is run so inefficiently with such an archaic system. With everyone out on their asses shouldn't they be hiring some of us fools waiting on hold for hours? (Please don't hire me because I would kill myself if I had to do that job for more than 10 minutes).

So, here I sit. Waiting for Miss Faxypants to call me back. And I have no choice but to do just that. Lord knows I can't call HER back - I don't have enough phones.

I'm positive this is negative.

Sigh. I'm sure it is a horrible idea to write a blog entry while I am in this "funk" but I am going to do it anyway. I haven't felt much like writing lately because I haven't really had many great moments or interesting thoughts. Normally, I try to keep the gloom to myself... but why not spill a little out since I seem to be overflowing.

I know about the whole 'peaks and valleys' thing. I know about the ups, downs, positives and negatives. Don't envy anyone because we never know what battles they are fighting. The grass is always greener. We are right where we need to be ... blah blah blah. I get it. And truly, I do try to live by those ideas. It is helpful to think "count your blessings" when you feel like you are buried up to your neck in horseshit. I guess every once in a while I just need a mental cleanse. While some people would raise an eyebrow at my being super stressed out while being unemployed and free everyday - I implore them to take a deeper look. It's no sunshine festival over here.

My main concern seems to be my lack of stability. The company that I worked 8 years for went out of business. I started from the bottom, worked my way up and was really hoping for a future there. I wanted that security of working 30 years with the same employer. But this isn't our parents' generation. They worked hard for one solid company and retired with a pension. In our generation we are lucky to hold a job with an employer for 3 years without having them shut their doors. This economy is simply wicked. So, I moved on and accepted a job with a small business and put all of my energy into learning the ins and outs. 90 days later I was laid off. I hated that job anyway. After a year of unemployment I was lucky enough to find a fantastic job with everything I wanted right down to an awesome commute. 90 days later I was laid off. I am collecting unemployment insurance -once again- and the stipulation is that I mail in at least 3 job searches per week. That means I have to find 3 jobs each week that I am slightly interested in and qualified for and apply to them. Sounds easy, right? Well I just spent almost 4 hours searching endless websites and haven't applied to one stinkin' thing. I find that I get a better response by singling out companies that I would like to work for and emailing them directly with my resume and letter of interest. Either way - this is going to be an up-mountain battle. 

I just feel like things should have gelled by now. My life should be somewhat secure at this point. I have my awesome husband, my lovely home, my pain in the ass dog, my family and friends and thankfully - our health... but what's missing is that stability. It's like I am constantly teetering on this rusty wire. I want to wake up in the morning with a purpose and a drive. I want to know that I am free to start a family because I will be able to take care of them. I want to picture my life in 40 years and have it be sweet and comfortable instead of scary and uncertain. I realize that nobody really likes their job and that the daily grind sucks the life out of most... but it's a completion. Unless you win the lottery, working is inevitable. We need to work to survive. 

So where will I end up next? Plugging the new scent of the month at Yankee Candle? Ringing you up at Marshalls? Pimpin out my passion for interior decorating and nursery wall painting? Who knows. What I do know is that when this mind hits the pillow at night - it is anything but peaceful.