I'm positive this is negative.

Sigh. I'm sure it is a horrible idea to write a blog entry while I am in this "funk" but I am going to do it anyway. I haven't felt much like writing lately because I haven't really had many great moments or interesting thoughts. Normally, I try to keep the gloom to myself... but why not spill a little out since I seem to be overflowing.

I know about the whole 'peaks and valleys' thing. I know about the ups, downs, positives and negatives. Don't envy anyone because we never know what battles they are fighting. The grass is always greener. We are right where we need to be ... blah blah blah. I get it. And truly, I do try to live by those ideas. It is helpful to think "count your blessings" when you feel like you are buried up to your neck in horseshit. I guess every once in a while I just need a mental cleanse. While some people would raise an eyebrow at my being super stressed out while being unemployed and free everyday - I implore them to take a deeper look. It's no sunshine festival over here.

My main concern seems to be my lack of stability. The company that I worked 8 years for went out of business. I started from the bottom, worked my way up and was really hoping for a future there. I wanted that security of working 30 years with the same employer. But this isn't our parents' generation. They worked hard for one solid company and retired with a pension. In our generation we are lucky to hold a job with an employer for 3 years without having them shut their doors. This economy is simply wicked. So, I moved on and accepted a job with a small business and put all of my energy into learning the ins and outs. 90 days later I was laid off. I hated that job anyway. After a year of unemployment I was lucky enough to find a fantastic job with everything I wanted right down to an awesome commute. 90 days later I was laid off. I am collecting unemployment insurance -once again- and the stipulation is that I mail in at least 3 job searches per week. That means I have to find 3 jobs each week that I am slightly interested in and qualified for and apply to them. Sounds easy, right? Well I just spent almost 4 hours searching endless websites and haven't applied to one stinkin' thing. I find that I get a better response by singling out companies that I would like to work for and emailing them directly with my resume and letter of interest. Either way - this is going to be an up-mountain battle. 

I just feel like things should have gelled by now. My life should be somewhat secure at this point. I have my awesome husband, my lovely home, my pain in the ass dog, my family and friends and thankfully - our health... but what's missing is that stability. It's like I am constantly teetering on this rusty wire. I want to wake up in the morning with a purpose and a drive. I want to know that I am free to start a family because I will be able to take care of them. I want to picture my life in 40 years and have it be sweet and comfortable instead of scary and uncertain. I realize that nobody really likes their job and that the daily grind sucks the life out of most... but it's a completion. Unless you win the lottery, working is inevitable. We need to work to survive. 

So where will I end up next? Plugging the new scent of the month at Yankee Candle? Ringing you up at Marshalls? Pimpin out my passion for interior decorating and nursery wall painting? Who knows. What I do know is that when this mind hits the pillow at night - it is anything but peaceful.