New Year's Eve revelations ...

It all started with this photo. A photo that I settled on after taking probably close to twenty that varied only slightly by a shadow or a strand of hair. The expression was pretty much the same, the natural light working for and against me. The reason behind this "selfie"? A photo-a-day challenge prompt on Instagram.

I like the daily photo challenges posted by Fat Mum Slim - it gives me just enough structured creative freedom - if that makes any sense. So, yesterday's prompt was You. I didn't stretch very far with this one, I decided on a self portrait. Not as easy as you think. I think most of us have struggles with accepting our appearance. And well, an up-close and personal shot of your face is almost never a good idea. But I did it. A simple filter and a share button later and there I was - in first place in my gallery.

When I looked at this picture yesterday, sitting on the corner of my bed, I realized how much my face has changed with age. I saw the freckles and wrinkles, the sagging skin, the tired eyes that are a dead giveaway that I am raising a toddler. And then I received incredibly positive compliments on Instagram and Facebook that made me take another look. This time I realized that my freckles are the same ones that have been there since I was a child. And that slight, crooked smile has been a staple in almost all of my photos from elementary school going forward. Most importantly I saw kindness in my eyes. They say 'eyes are a window to the soul' ... I think it's true. You can sometimes look at a lunatic and know right away that you want to walk in the other direction. The same is true when you give to someone and see their true appreciation or compliment a humble person. Eyes don't lie. And while mine say Man, I'm tired - they also say that I'm good. I saw so much in this one little square photo. And thanks to the overwhelming positive response, it kept me reflecting all day and night.

I've lived a life. I've lived longer than many people have had the chance to. I have long roads behind me and hopefully long ones ahead. I've made mistakes that have led to regrets. I've been cruel only to learn the importance of being kind. I've been selfish only to learn how much better it can feel to make others happy. My teens were typical and my twenties were a train wreck. But now, in my thirties, I have finally become the person I am proud to be. I know that what you give is more important than what you receive - and that material things mean nothing. I'm not trying to be better than anyone. And I'm a great mom. I am so much better at being a mom than I ever dreamed I'd be. Gregg and Scarlett have given me everything that I need from others - now I just have to learn how to give myself the rest.

In 2014 I will try to:

Let go of frustrating issues: I can't control what others do and say so I need to just let it roll and find peace elsewhere.

Be content with my appearance: I have said this every year since I was a kid but I am going to try to accept that I'm not a size 4 and that I have wrinkles and strands of gray.

Get way more exercise: The most cliche one of all - but it's true. I feel like crap all the time because I just can't carve out the time to routinely exercise. It is such a mental thing for me. But I need it for so many reasons - this is the longest stretch I've gone without a regular routine in at least ten years.

Stop policing myself all. the. time: I talk myself out of lots of things that I want because there are things that I should be doing instead. I'm a jerk.

Be less anxious: for example, I'd love to not panic about going outside in the buggy summer. And spring. And partial fall. Wish it was simple.

Wear more of what I like: I bought a hat last week. A winter hat. Because I like winter hats now. And I'm going to wear them.

Tonight will be very low key for me. I hope you all celebrate in your favorite ways!
I wish you all GREAT HEALTH and HAPPINESS in the New Year.
Welcome, 2014 - Be good to us all!

resolutions...

So, how is everyone doing out there on day three of resolution hell?? 

I stopped making resolutions many years ago. Each year always started off with the same grim desires - lose some weight and quit smoking. Well, I quit smoking like nine years ago or something crazy like that - but I didn't do it in January, I did it in July. And I am constantly ten pounds up or down and tend to be at my lowest weight during the summer and fall. My point is that I set and reach goals at different times during the year - and the date has nothing to do with it. It is willpower and desire. It is when that little wire inside me is finally wound so tight that it snaps under the pressure and demands immediate attention. Then and only then do I focus hard for months (or minutes, depending on the situation).

Turning the calendar page to a new year does stir something inside me though, a sort of need for newness and freshness. This is usually satisfied with some new accent pillows or a different color scheme in any given room. It truly doesn't take much to feed the beast. Buying a bunch of old matchbooks from a consignment shop for a buck a piece satisfied my soul for weeks. 

I do want to wish you all the best of luck on whatever your New Year's resolutions might be! May you find your willpower and harness that strength to achieve those goals!