New Year's Eve revelations ...

It all started with this photo. A photo that I settled on after taking probably close to twenty that varied only slightly by a shadow or a strand of hair. The expression was pretty much the same, the natural light working for and against me. The reason behind this "selfie"? A photo-a-day challenge prompt on Instagram.

I like the daily photo challenges posted by Fat Mum Slim - it gives me just enough structured creative freedom - if that makes any sense. So, yesterday's prompt was You. I didn't stretch very far with this one, I decided on a self portrait. Not as easy as you think. I think most of us have struggles with accepting our appearance. And well, an up-close and personal shot of your face is almost never a good idea. But I did it. A simple filter and a share button later and there I was - in first place in my gallery.

When I looked at this picture yesterday, sitting on the corner of my bed, I realized how much my face has changed with age. I saw the freckles and wrinkles, the sagging skin, the tired eyes that are a dead giveaway that I am raising a toddler. And then I received incredibly positive compliments on Instagram and Facebook that made me take another look. This time I realized that my freckles are the same ones that have been there since I was a child. And that slight, crooked smile has been a staple in almost all of my photos from elementary school going forward. Most importantly I saw kindness in my eyes. They say 'eyes are a window to the soul' ... I think it's true. You can sometimes look at a lunatic and know right away that you want to walk in the other direction. The same is true when you give to someone and see their true appreciation or compliment a humble person. Eyes don't lie. And while mine say Man, I'm tired - they also say that I'm good. I saw so much in this one little square photo. And thanks to the overwhelming positive response, it kept me reflecting all day and night.

I've lived a life. I've lived longer than many people have had the chance to. I have long roads behind me and hopefully long ones ahead. I've made mistakes that have led to regrets. I've been cruel only to learn the importance of being kind. I've been selfish only to learn how much better it can feel to make others happy. My teens were typical and my twenties were a train wreck. But now, in my thirties, I have finally become the person I am proud to be. I know that what you give is more important than what you receive - and that material things mean nothing. I'm not trying to be better than anyone. And I'm a great mom. I am so much better at being a mom than I ever dreamed I'd be. Gregg and Scarlett have given me everything that I need from others - now I just have to learn how to give myself the rest.

In 2014 I will try to:

Let go of frustrating issues: I can't control what others do and say so I need to just let it roll and find peace elsewhere.

Be content with my appearance: I have said this every year since I was a kid but I am going to try to accept that I'm not a size 4 and that I have wrinkles and strands of gray.

Get way more exercise: The most cliche one of all - but it's true. I feel like crap all the time because I just can't carve out the time to routinely exercise. It is such a mental thing for me. But I need it for so many reasons - this is the longest stretch I've gone without a regular routine in at least ten years.

Stop policing myself all. the. time: I talk myself out of lots of things that I want because there are things that I should be doing instead. I'm a jerk.

Be less anxious: for example, I'd love to not panic about going outside in the buggy summer. And spring. And partial fall. Wish it was simple.

Wear more of what I like: I bought a hat last week. A winter hat. Because I like winter hats now. And I'm going to wear them.

Tonight will be very low key for me. I hope you all celebrate in your favorite ways!
I wish you all GREAT HEALTH and HAPPINESS in the New Year.
Welcome, 2014 - Be good to us all!

hagging out ...

Ever go out with a group of people and realize you are the oldest person amongst the crew? And are older than a few of them by more than five years? Or eight years? That's a pretty awesome feeling isn't it? (Nope). Well, this happened to me Friday night while celebrating a friend's birthday at a bar with a bunch of his friends. I don't really ever remember it happening to me before which is why I think this is such a big deal. I know it doesn't matter... at all... to anyone but CRAP! Who wants to be the oldest person anywhere??

Not helping matters, I've recently started to notice I am looking older. I'll see it in pictures, especially the ones taken in natural light - are you KIDDING ME, sunlight?? How bout you stop being such an asshole??  I've caught a few extra lines cropping up around my mouth and yes, there are often some bags under my eyes. I guess I could blame those on being a mom to a toddler but I think we all know it's the mid-thirties bullshit that everyone has to deal with. I've been buying random creams and serums trying to fight the inevitable. Some of which have disgusting odors and/or burn my face. All of which are just too expensive to explore any further. So, here I go. Into the deep end.

I will take some responsibility of course for my years of sun bathing and tanning. And I know I couldn't have talked my younger self out of doing either. A lot of us just can't resist a golden hue. Especially in our glory days.

Sure, everybody says I look the same, I don't look my age, they don't notice the lines... nobody wants to tell a friend that they are hagging out. I mean, I like to be honest but I could never look at a friend and say, How old are you? Yeah, that's what I figured... I can tell by those lines around your mouth. Nice way to get a busted eye. So, the real truth is between me and the mirror (and the sunlight). Don't let me down, Olay Regenerist. Or Garnier stinky-face serum. Or various dewy complexion promisers. We'll re-evaluate next year... and your asses will most likely be fired.

*** While this post is utterly ridiculous in nature - please take a few seconds to read about a heartbreaking situation that my friend's family is enduring. A mom of three, soon to be four, has been diagnosed with breast cancer and her insurance will not cover the natural treatments that she needs to help heal her body while keeping her unborn baby safe. This is her second attempt at a fundraiser. Please click here to read her brief bio and make a donation if possible. Share the link with everyone you can (facebook/twitter) to help increase her chance of reaching that goal! Her family is depending on the kindness of strangers --- Thank you!