My lunacy and my wellness...

It is no secret to those who know me that I have never really been very comfortable in my own skin. I've gone through many, many stages in my life - much like everyone else - but that one thing has always been a constant. Be it among a group of close friends or a group of total strangers it seems I'm forever agonizing over something in my mind while holding a conversation...

Is this shirt clinging to my rolls? Can you see the bra bulge from this angle? Should I sit instead of stand? Can they see my eyebrows sweating or is that just for me to enjoy? My skin looks dry, I should've used a different lotion. Do I take my sunglasses off to seem more approachable? Why do I stand with my arms crossed?! Such a bully pose! Skinny jeans with these thighs - who do I think I am? Can I wear boots in May, is that weird? Why do I buy so many sleeveless tops? I shouldn't even be wearing them with these arms. I have carried the same bag for a solid year, people must think ... 

Stop right there. People must think... People must think WHAT??

I am a lunatic in my mind. Sometimes the lunacy comes out of my mouth but believe it or not I keep it to myself about 92% of the time. When I actually stop to think about what I'm obsessing/worrying about I quickly realize that NOBODY is thinking about any of this shit. Nobody is looking at my skin's moisture level. Not a single soul has noticed that I've carried the same bag for more than twelve months. No one cares a lick if I wear sunglasses or not. Granted, there may be people that have noticed my thick thighs, my un-toned arms and my springtime footwear choice BUT I am quite certain that after their glance they moved on with their life.

Ugh.

I have been this way since I was about nine. That is SUCH a long time to feel like crap about yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I feel ugly and heinous all the time. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT. I have moments where I feel comfortable/satisfactory. It is important to feel good in what I'm wearing - if I can do that then my day is pretty easy. If I stray and try to wear something that isn't "me" that's where I get into trouble. I think some of that junk stems from my watching episodes of What Not To Wear. I realize that most of what I choose to wear is a no-no. But ya know what? I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl. Put me in a blouse and I want to light shit on fire. I can't conform. I don't want a sensible pant suit. I look like a dumpy snowman in sweaters, I prefer a sweatshirt. I own exactly one pair of "pants" and I've never worn them. I'm pretty sure I can get through the rest of my life wearing what I want rather than what style experts recommend for my "type."

I lost forty pound about two years ago and I still wear oversized clothing. I think that's just so deeply rooted in me but I am working on moving forward. Moving out of my comfort zone is done at a baby snail's pace for certain. I want so badly for my outer appearance to reflect how fit and healthy I finally feel/AM. I'll admit that still looking "out of shape" makes me feel unhappy. I've worked hard but I know I have to work harder. I've recently started a new workout schedule and so far it's a winner. Seeing and feeling results right away makes it so much easier to keep putting in that work. I've continued my clean eating lifestyle for nearly two years now. {Confession: I am addicted to gluten free pretzels but hey, we all have our vices. Wink.}

I'm a work in progress but I can tell you that I've never felt as good as I do now. I'm forty. I WISH I felt this way at fifteen. Or twenty-five. Or thirty-two. It's all about your mindset. When you are truly ready to make that change you go hard. If any of you are feeling stuck in a rut, out of shape, out of breath, out of energy, out of options - please message me and I will let you know how you can take steps to change that. My girl, Joanna aka GetRealGal, can and will help you. I promise you it is easier than you think to make these changes. You start small and you win big. Working on your wellness is always worth it.

xo

Have I become a responsible adult?

The lines,
Settling all too comfily into their new habitat - my face.
Oh my God are my eyes actually getting SMALLER?
That's not even possible, is it?!
But in every picture...

I'll try this cream.
Hmm, should I have had a skin care routine in my thirties?
Does everyone?
Does anyone?

Apparently Aveeno isn't cutting it anymore.
I'm drying out like a reed diffuser that you forgot you bought like four years ago
and found it stuck up on a high shelf one day while reaching for the heating pad.
There is no WAY Jenifer Aniston swears by this stuff.
Not falling for it, Jen.

I see the grays. Actually, let's not bullshit ourselves, they're whites.
Not many of them, but they're calling friends lately,
they're having more parties.
Good for them. I never have parties anymore.
Who feels like it?! I clean the bathroom enough.
Too much pressure.
I used to put out a spread at parties.
Today, you come by, you're lucky to find a few pieces of cheddar.
And gluten free pretzels.
Rock star status.

Night life.
Ahhhh, I remember the all-nighters.
Home by 4 am was rare.
No matter the day of the week.
Never stayed home.
Now, when I have night time plans I actually look at my bed differently that morning.
I'll be late tonight, bed... but I'll return. And we'll make up for lost time tomorrow... and the next eight nights.
I spent some great times with my best girls these past two weeks and we were talking about how times have changed.
We used to go out drinking for hours on end, not a glass of water in sight - for DAYS. I drank lemonade and coffee as my non-alcoholic beverages at one point. Now we panic if we don't chase our gray goose with a bottle of Poland Spring. Gotta keep hydrated!

I used to loathe Everybody Loves Raymond. 
I think it made me feel like I was still young and hip.
(Let the record show that I was never hip)
Now I can't get enough of that frigging show. 

I used to wear heels all the time.
I'd be that idiot in the backyard with heels on - trying to get through the grass or gravel without landing on my nose.
Everrrrrrrrryone else in sneakers or flip flops having a blast.
Not me!
Can't let on that I'm 5'1" - This'll fool them! 
Nowadays I actually own "sensible shoes"
And a rain coat.
A RAIN COAT.
For a gal who lived in "just a hoodie" for all-weather, all four seasons in New England
a rain coat is pretty huge.
I have a real, live winter coat as well.
This news is a bit lackluster for you all but listen - I didn't even OWN a coat or jacket of any kind
for at least a thirteen or fourteen year stretch. No lie.

Am I really considered a responsible adult now?
Skin care, outerwear, pretzels. 
I mean, I am doing a pretty great job raising two little girls.
I RSVP to everything on time - or at least I think I do or intend to.
I sometimes read the AAA paper that comes in the mail,
that has to count for something.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy fun.
I've just become a bit less fun myself.
Becoming a mother has done that -
I'm fun on a kid level now.
Crayons and dress-up fun.
Not so much wandering the streets of Providence at 4 am with no ride home fun. 

In my opinion, I've traded up.

Now about that skin care ...