Level UP

I was never really an emotional person. I wouldn't shed a tear over a sappy commercial or weep during a sicky-sweet love story in a movie. The news read the same years ago as it does today: scary, devastating, sick, sad and heart-wrenching. My heart, however, never seemed to fully wrench. I mean, I had feelings of sorrow and terror and all that, but I couldn't truly comprehend the level of emotion on which it seemed the rest of the people in this world operated. Until I became a mother.

When my best friends were having their first babies I naturally shared in the joy. It was an exciting time for them and for us as friends to be moving into another chapter of life. Only I wasn't moving. I was doing the same thing in my life - working hard Monday through Friday and playing hard on the weekend. I visited those babies and held them with a beaming smile of awe - but I didn't truly know how precious those moments were for my friends. And after years of feeling somewhat guilty about that I can finally state with authority that Nobody does until they become a parent.

Having a child in your life, in your care, needing you wholly everyday - it magnifies everything. When I became a mother I quickly realized how beautiful each moment of each day really is. How special, how tranquil, how precious, how amazing. Yes, even the moments where you have to raise your voice or wipe poop off of the wall. When you feel like you need to rip out a few strands of your hair, when you just don't want to clean up after another meal, when bedtime seems so very far off... yep, those moments too are precious.

I was deeply affected by the Sandy Hook elementary school massacre - and still am. And if I remain haunted I cannot imagine what those families feel like every day of their ongoing lives. I think about watching my sweet child standing on the school steps waving goodbye, Mama and walking out of sight - for the last time. I think about what those children were doing in their classrooms just before the horror entered. Raising their hands to answer questions... with sweet, smiling innocent faces. It's almost too much to even think about. It's so unfair! I continue to pray for those children, teachers and families and I pray that my friends and family never experience such tragedy and loss of life.

Yesterday's savage tornado devastation in Oklahoma makes those wounds fresher still as we hear about the loss of children in their elementary school. My heart was just aching for the parents not knowing whether their child was one that made it out safely or one buried among friends in the ten foot debris pile. How do they cope with that?? I know as humans we have coping mechanisms ... and adrenaline that kicks in and propels us through tough times... but really?? How much can a person handle? I absolutely cannot even begin to think about losing my baby girl. Not for one second.

My point in all of this is that when Scarlett entered my life she changed the game. She forced me to "level up." I became aware on a much larger scale of what love and need really mean. To truly need someone in your life to be able to function. To love someone with every miniscule spec of your soul. To understand compassion and to be empathetic and sympathetic. And that there is a much better way to go through life than being cynical and jaded.

Now, I get weepy during sappy commercials. I can say there are scenes from movies that "get me every time". I'm softer. Scarlett melted the ice... and I can't thank her enough for that.

Becoming a mother has also made me more generous with my heart. I offer it up all the time because surprisingly there is plenty to go around.

*Please consider making a donation to the fundraiser on the right side of my page. Michelle is a mother of three, pregnant with her fourth and diagnosed with breast cancer. She is hoping to raise money to get the natural treatments she needs to heal her body and keep her baby safe. I'd be appreciative if you could pass it on to your friends and family. Thank you :)

Yeah, I can't do this...

It's a beautiful day. Currently, the temperature is 78 degrees. There is a light and lovely breeze. The sky is blue, the sun is shining and all that other harmonious crap. So, the question at hand is Why am I not outside enjoying this glorious day with my little peapod? Well, if you MUST know, the answer is Because I am an absolute lunatic.

Spring time. Some wait all year long for it - daydreaming of ice-cream trucks, children on swing-sets, flip flops and open windows. Others (myself exclusively) want to hibernate from it while mentally taking a brown crayon and coloring the entire neighborhood barren and still asleep. I'm not ignorant. I know that nearly every creature in the world emerges sneakily during the first sniff of a warm day. I've seen them crawling. I've heard them buzzing. Don't think I haven't killed at least seven of them already. We can't avoid them so we just suck it up and get on with our lives, right? Yeah, no.

Scarlett and I have shared many a session of outdoor play before the height of hatching season. I enjoy bringing her to various playgrounds and especially the beach. Sure, I am most comfortable dressed head to toe in fleece romping around in the freezing cold snow where you can't find an insect with a chisel. I'm also quite popular during the Fall months, ya know after those initial overnight cold blasts exterminate the yard naturally. May is probably the scariest month of the year. Flowers popping up everywhere - not to mention weeds and pollen galore. You can't focus your eyes on a blade of grass without seeing at least six nasty wigglers crawling around from your peripheral vision. And, if you're my neighbor, you can't grill a burger from your deck without seeing me flail and hearing me shriek at least once during your meat flips.

I tried today. I didn't feeeeeeeeeel like going out in the yard. I was crampy and bloated, I had a slammin headache and swollen glands (allergies). And honestly, I'd have rather just taken a walk around the neighborhood in my beekeeper suit. But I feel so guilty keeping Scarlett inside. I know that we'll get ninety other beautiful days but today is kind of a true gem. Plus, she has only used her sandbox once since we bought it and I knew I'd have to conquer that bastard eventually. So I put on my brave face, lathered her up with sunscreen and we headed out.

First, we tried out her new bubble mower... which she made abundantly clear that she hated. Awesome. Next stop was the sandbox. My heart was pounding as I got closer to it. The lid was just covered in leaves and little floofy things that had fallen off the tree. {I reeeeeeally didn't want to put the sandbox underneath the tree but it's the only logical place to put it when it comes down to Scarlett's sun-safety and Gregg's yard work}. I somehow managed to take off the lid and not ONE leaf/floofy thing fell off of it. That grossed me out... why are they stuck to it????? Then I eyeballed the sand. Holyyyyyyyyyy ... really?? Like nine florescent green worms are crawling around in there. Then I see a frigging sand-colored (camouflaged???) spider with like a weird bubble-stomach. I really almost vomited. Various dead gnats or whatever spotted the rest of the sand. I immediately grabbed her sifter and sifted every little asshole out of that box. I dumped them into the gravel and tried to crush what I could. She played for about five minutes until I decided that my heart was about to burst into flames and we were going for a walk.

So hours later here we are... sitting in the upstairs den. She carefully chooses colored blocks from a pile and drops them into a pillowcase. The rest she fits interestingly into the lid of a box. She "reads" her favorite Mickey Mouse Clubhouse books. She does somersaults, runs down the hall from room to room, works her puzzles and plays the xylophone. I think we're okay here. She's being creative, getting exercise, learning and playing. I'm calm, my blood pressure has returned to a safe level and my headache has even disappeared.

I will not deprive Scarlett of the joys of being a kid, playing outside all day and night -the way I always did before I became a ridiculous, irrational maniac. I will, however, pick and choose the time and place and possibly the pill prescription for myself.

*** Please consider making a donation to my friend Michelle's fundraiser (info found on the right side of my page) - she is trying to raise money to help her get the natural treatments she needs to battle breast cancer while pregnant. Michelle is a mother of three (pregnant with her 4th) and wife to a loving husband. Please do what you can to help, thank you!

word of the day: Beautiful

I wasn't exactly in the best of moods today. I had one of those mornings where it felt like the universe was working against me. Little annoying things were piling up and building their own little tower of sourness in front of me. One that I just didn't feel like tackling. I ignored it as best I could and went about my day.

I was at the counter of Toys R Us purchasing a pretty, pink bubble mower for Scarlett and mindlessly humming along to the store music. I noticed the cashier humming the same tune. She said, "this song is SO catchy!" I agreed and we discussed further. The song that was playing was One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful." Sure, it's one of those lame-o, teen-girl faves but it certainly catches the attention of women everywhere. It has such a great message especially for very impressionable young girls who all too often wander down the path of self destruction. Gee, what's that like? The cashier mentioned how she really likes the song and finds herself singing it in the aisles every time it comes on. I admitted that I also like it due to its cheery and uplifting message. We parted ways with overly friendly "have a great day!"s. The song had noticeably amped up our moods.

Continuing on my errands I had no choice but to sink back into a somewhat foul mood after being forced to drive the roads alongside typical Rhode Island assholes. Swerving, bumper-riding, speed-passing, non-blinker using assholes. It is unavoidable.

I grouchily headed to CVS to finish up my list. As I approached the door to enter, a man (who looked like a thin Cedric the Entertainer) was exiting. He energetically stepped aside and said, "Go ahead, Beautiful." Huh? Did he just...?  I smiled with sincerity and said, "Thank you so much." As I took off my sunglasses he exclaimed, "Wow, LOVE the eyes!" I again thanked him as he walked out toward his car and I entered the store. Now, I am not someone who normally falls for a compliment from a strange man. Having been jaded for a good fifteen years now, stranger compliments usually sound creepy or uncalled for or something along a negative line. However, I have good instincts about people and I have to say this man seemed like a genuinely kind man. He had a little pep in his step, cheer in his soul and a smile that was certainly true. My crumby mood was turned around for the second time today.

And for the second time the basis for this change was beautiful.

Moral of the story? Let things make you happy. Be it a corny-ass song that you aren't supposed to like. Or a word of kindness from a stranger. Don't linger too long in your doubts and dissection. Sometimes we hold ourselves back from our own happiness - and we just don't realize it.

Happy Mother's Day!!

 

I want to send my warmest wishes to all the moms out there! I hope you all have a very special day with the people who mean the most!!

An extra special wish of happiness to my own mother and my grandmother - who continue to support me just as much in my adult life as they did when I was a child.

And I would also like to thank my beautiful Scarlett - without you I wouldn't know the amazing feeling of being a "mama" ... and to my husband - without you, there would be no Scarlett - so, thank you!

For everyone today, not just the moms, I want to wish the most important thing in the world - HEALTH. If we have our health, we have it all. Be grateful for good health, realize the gifts that you may take for granted - they are promised to no one.

Please do something for me today in honor of a very special young woman and mother. It is a very simple request that which we are all capable of fulfilling. Please pass along this link-  

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/ds82/healingcancernaturally?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_stream.share&utm_campaign=vanity_page_T1&fb_ref=949395
 
...post it to your facebook timeline, tweet it out into the universe, email it to your friends and family - get it out there any way you can. Michelle needs our help to spread the word about her fundraiser. She is pregnant and needs treatment for breast cancer. We can all take a few seconds to help her. If you would like to donate you can do so through the link or on the right side of my blog - just hit the GIVE button. Any amount means a great deal. Thanks friends, and HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

pregnant mom with breast cancer ... PLEASE SHARE

Friends, I need your help. It's not a lot that I'm asking, and it's well within reason. My friend Danny's wife, Michelle, is fighting the battle of her life. A beautiful, loving mother of three is now pregnant with her fourth baby while battling Breast Cancer. Diagnosed in March of 2013 she is doing everything she can to heal her body naturally hoping to avoid chemotherapy. Unfortunately, these natural cures are not covered by her health insurance. Please take a second to think about your own life. How YOU could very well be Michelle. Can you imagine the tremendous pressure? Pregnant and willing to do anything for your unborn baby yet knowing that you need to aggressively heal your own body in the most gentle way possible. Or you could be Danny. A father and husband so determined to give his wife everything she needs to heal knowing that he can only reach so many people and do so much. That's where you guys come in.

I am simply asking you to view the link to her fundraiser and pass it along to your friends and family. Share it on Facebook and Twitter. After all, isn't that what social media is intended for? Certainly not only to share flash mob videos and make "Gangnam Style" an overnight sensation. If you have a few extra dollars to donate - it would make a great impact. If you can't donate just simply share the link. And share it again tomorrow. And the next day. Danny and Michelle need to reach as many people as possible in a short amount of time. We can all help them in the most simple way, it just takes a few seconds. And why wouldn't you want to help? What would be your reason to NOT share the link? Can't think of one can you? Just do it.

You can even donate right from my blog just click the "give" button on the right side of the page!

You can copy and paste the link below to your facebook or twitter account or email it to everyone in your address book: 
https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/ds82/healingcancernaturally?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fb_share_stream.share&utm_campaign=vanity_page_T1&fb_ref=949395


Michelle and Danny deserve to be elated by this wonderful pregnancy and focused on the joys of being parents. Let's reach out for them and help Michelle to kick cancer's ASS!!!!!

Punky Longstocking

The doctor's office... perhaps the only place that a toddler can get away with wearing white corduroys.

Scarlett had her 18 month check-up today (even though she's 19.5 months old) and she is doing great! My super tall girl, who remains in the 90th percentile for height, is now at 34" and quickly catching up to her mama! She's gained ten ounces since January, bringing her to 25.13oz, and is now in the 80th percentile for weight. That's the stats!

As far as skills, she's doing really well in most areas. I think we need to work on meal-time junk. I tend to hold her back a bit when it comes to drinking from a cup (without a straw or spout). She does great - as long as I'm holding onto the cup. I'm sort of afraid to let it go completely because I don't want to clean milk out of the curtains. BUT I am slowly letting go more and more. She's also a little lazy when it comes to using utensils. She CAN do it, but it's easier to hold the fork in her right hand and shovel food into her mouth with her left. She's shown improvement over the past couple of weeks and I'm trying to enforce it as much as possible. Along with her "please"s and "excuse me"s. She's coming around.

Scarlett can count to ten - sometimes perfectly, sometimes out of order. Today she counted my fingers by grabbing one hand and saying, "1,2,3,4,5" and then the other hand saying, "6,7,8,9,10". I was impressed by that.

She knows some shapes: circle, triangle, rectangle, square, diamond, heart, star and oval mostly.

She doesn't really know her colors - sometimes she picks the right ones out of her crayons but I think a lot of times it's coincidence.

She still loves music at meal times and in the car and her current favorite television show is Super Why. Recently she's been able to recognize the letters M, O, B, I and P. Off to a good start!

We went to the aquarium and zoo on Gregg's vacation and she wasn't impressed by the fish or animals. She had the most fun running around the playground getting soaked in the water-play area.

We bought her a sandbox this weekend (in which I liberally sprinkled cinnamon because I read that it keeps bugs away) and she loves dumping that sand everywhere.

I've been taking her to the beach in the mornings on nice, sunny days and she loves playing on the shore. Yesterday she bolted into the water, shocking the crap out of me. Thankfully I was right next to her - holding her hand until she briskly let go. She fell to her knees in the cold water almost immediately. She was a bit stunned but was ready to keep playing. I was kinda pissed because I thought I was prepared for anything yet didn't have a towel or change of clothes. Scarlett- 1, Mama- zip. We managed to dry her off with a sheet and salvaged the trip with a slide and swing at the playground.

She's a roughneck. For sure. She's bold. She's not shy. She falls down and gets up saying, "ok" over and over. Definitely not a delicate flower.

One thing that is pretty adorable: She gets behind my father's motorized wheelchair and thinks she is pushing him from room to room (while he uses the controls). She even makes the grunting noises like it's soooo hard!

Scarlett continues to be the light of my life. I post a tiring amount of her photos on Facebook but I want my friends and family to know that the little faces she makes, the sweet smiles and smirks - they are so accurate in depicting her personality. She's such a little maniac. She's a dash of Pippi Longstocking, a heap of Punky Brewster and a pinch of Dennis the Menace. She's our sweet Scarlett June... and she's growing up too fast!



 

I'm wearing dresses... end of story

Dresses. Yup. I said I was going to wear them this year and I am going to ... come hell or high water.

I've always loved dresses...especially the pretty little sixties styles donned by Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. I've just always pretended that I loved jeans and hoodies more. I am proud to say I have gradually evolved from the hoodie and I'm on to cardigans and jackets now. I realized that I feel one thousand percent better when I'm wearing appropriate apparel in any given situation. For years I was the girl wearing heels to the backyard barbecue. Or a black hoodie as a pitiful and embarassing attempt to dress up an outfit. I would have on a t-shirt and vest shoveling snow during a blizzard - no gloves, no hat - just a stupid vest and probably a double ear infection. I just didn't seem to care. But deep down I always wished that I had the body to wear the clothes that I loved. The trends and the pretty things. Who doesn't want that???

Well, this year I've adopted a new motto - F it. I am never going to be a size two. I'm not going to reach a height of 5'9" ... or even 5'2". My sprouting days are long gone and I am what I am. A stocky little shrimpo with hair that's probably too long for my age and pink shoes that are too young for me. What's that motto again? Right. F it. So my torso isn't very long and I have hips, my boobs are too big for my frame and my legs are wicked short. I'm wearing these dresses, end of story. I refuse to live the rest of my life worrying that people will whisper behind my back. Can you believe she's wearing that jacket?? She looks like a linebacker! What about that skirt?? Her hips look enormous! She shouldn't wear scarves - they just make her double chin look bigger. People may or may not say these things - I'm pretty sure it's mostly me who thinks about this crap anyway. Regardless, it's time to move on.

I have bought four new dresses so far this year! I haven't worn any of them. In my defense it's been too cold... and two of them are sundresses... and I can't reach the zipper on a couple so I can only wear them when Gregg is home! Shut up, I'll wear them soon. And you'll be the first to know.

it's a snail's pace homicide!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!! Join me in getting pissed off about our mattresses for a sec, won't you? I am of course assuming that you have sleep issues due to an out-of-shape mattress past its prime. Even if it's your pillow that is causing you strife (because I'm with you on that one as well) let out your 'argh'. It's well-deserved.

I've HAD IT!!

Our mattress is slowly murdering me.

Well, Us. It's slowly murdering Us. Gregg and I have been complaining for years about our stupid, dummy jerk mattress. We haven't bought a new one for a very stupid reason: it's not that old! We bought it in late 2008 (I think). But it's a king. And it was super expensive. And it should last us until we are ninety-seven. Or so I thought in my naive, little mind. Just shortly after we bought it - the "ditches" showed up. I KNOW I should have called and exchanged it. I know!!!!! Ugh. But I didn't. So here we are. And after four years of buying pillow after pillow pretending that was the problem - it has become quite clear that we need to take action.

I miss the old mattresses - ya know the ones you could flip over AND rotate. This one goes counter-clockwise on our box spring about twice a month these days. It doesn't matter. At the end of the day no matter which end is up we are each in a ditch made initially by one of us, made worse by both of us a million times. We recently decided we'll go look for one of those foam toppers. Like the four inch thick ones that look heavenly/cloud-like. However, for the past two weeks I have been in agony. Tossing and turning allllllllllllll night. My hips and back just screaming. I've shifted into every position possible and tried different pillow combinations... and let me tell ya, none of my pillows are saving the day either. So now I'm siding with Gregg - we HAVE to get a new mattress. And I'm not falling for that 'buy the frame and box spring and pillows and mustache wax' deal. I want a GREAT mattress and nothing else. So help me God if we get that slimy salesman with the shiny tooth who thinks he's got one on the line. I'll shove that line right up his ugly suit-wearing bum I will.

Wish us luck, friends! 'Luxurious night's sleep' blog post soon to follow...

What a Wonderful World ...

 "... I hear babies cry... I watch them grow
They'll learn much more... than I'll ever know
And I think to myself... what a wonderful world"

{What A Wonderful World  written by Bob Theile and George David Weiss 

and made famous by Louis Armstrong}

I just love this song - and this verse in particular. It gets me every time. During each listen I see the same image... 

A man with many, many years behind him, gray hair for proof of those years, sitting on a park bench watching children play. Possibly his grandchildren, possibly his great grandchildren, possibly strangers. With a smile on his face, he remembers his own youth. He only remembers the good in his life, forgetting the hard times as they aren't worth storing in his mind. He remembers his mother, his father and their grace. He sees his family gathered around holiday tables and birthday cakes. He recalls the pride he felt when he learned to ride his bicycle, brought home an "A" paper, graduated from high school and looked to his future with ambition and excitement. He thinks of the carefree times that he spent with his friends, running around town - being young. He remembers his own children when they were small. Their eagerness to learn new things, their loving hearts... their wonder. He never loses his smile watching those children play. He sees in them all of the wonderful things that have made up his life. Their bright spirits, kind souls and unblemished innocence fill his heart and bring peace to his mind and tears to his eyes. His life has been a gift, he realizes it now and prays for the children of this world. That they may see beyond the newspaper headlines, the wars, the  horror, the drugs, the greed, the diseases and the hate. That they will make their way with hope for better times and the power to make it so. He knows their potential is limitless. 

What a great song, huh?

lately favorites...

You can thank hockey for this post. Gregg is spending the evening in the living room with his Philly friends and I'm lying on "the bump" of our bed watching the E! special, Oz: The Great and Powerful. I gotta tell ya - the movie looks phenomenal. I also gotta tell ya that the lighting in this room is enough to make me custom-design awnings for my eyelids. Or I could put on a hat, whatever.

Anyway, this post is nothing but a few pictures of some 'lately favorites' of mine. Enjoy...

Not only do I love this adorable face - all smiles before breakfast - BUT please check out the t-shirt. Miss Punky Brewster is back in my life (and Scarlett has been officially introduced). I found this gem on Zulily.com and despite ordering it in a larger size, it's a bit small and I'm afraid we won't get much wear out of it. This picture, however, will last a lifetime.

 

I painted some rocks. I know, it would appear that I have too much time on my hands but that's not at all the case. I like to do creative little projects as often as I can and usually do when my mom takes the baby for the afternoon. This was just an easy way to keep the rocks that Scarlett picked out of our backyard in the cutesy, pastel world that I pretend to live in. 

Um... yeah. These. I found them at Target on clearance. They pretty much combine everything I love into one compact kick. Frigging adorable!

My makeshift coat-rack. Scarlett's coats always end up in a huge pile in our bedroom and I couldn't take it anymore. I challenged myself to find a solution without spending any money. So, here you see the wire hanger, (we all have one or two lying around) I added key rings from an assorted bag I had bought months ago for no reason, hung her coats from it and hooked it up over the door. It really doesn't get any easier than that.

This face.

After many months of searching for the perfect sippy/straw cup I've settled on this one. My mother bought it for three bucks at Target. I now use it for every meal, every snack, every sip. It seems there isn't a perfect cup out there but this one makes Scarlett happy and makes a very minimal mess. I'm learning that cheaper often IS better.

That's all I have for pictures - I do have one more thing to add however- Today I decided to shuffle all the songs on my iPod (which is somewhere around 30,000 songs) and the first five were: Across the Universe, Born to Run, Why Go - remix, What Is And What Should Never Be and 6th Avenue Heartache. Moral of the story: I might let my iPod deejay itself every now and again. Good stuff. 

So long, friends!