The Scarlett Letters: let's get a few things straight...

Dearest Lemon-pie,

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME??

Eh, I'm half kidding. Let's just say you've been "testy" lately ... and trying every ounce of patience I have. Some days I'm not sure who's winning. It seems that you believe that I am winning and I believe that you are winning. So we battle harder.

Let's clear up a few things...

You are 27 months old. How is it that you are strutting around the house like you just paid off the mortgage? You're constantly throwing your things everywhere, tossing food on the ground like this is some half-assed diner. Demanding diaper changes, snacks and Mickey videos. Listen up, kid, I run the show.

If I say we are drying your hair post-bath so your teeth will stop chattering - it's happening.

When I tell you to stop using the television screen as an easel - STOP IT.

When I put dinner in front of you which you refuse to eat and you immediately pull the pin on your little grenade - you aren't getting your wish of cookies, your alternate option is yogurt or nothing.

Just because I accidentally zipped your skin in your jacket ONE TIME doesn't mean that every zipper is going to ruin your life. I SAID I WAS SORRY, CRIPES !!! Let it go, kid.

When you flail around like a lunatic during our bedtime rocking/reading session it only makes me shorten the ritual. I feel like Danny DeVito trying to rock Shaq up there. You are clearly longer than my lap and legs, I know it's awkward - I can't stretch out like taffy so please try to settle in and just enjoy it. I'm pretty sure that glider is about to collapse any day now anyway.

When it's nap time and you run into the corner I can still see you. I will come get you, peel you from the floor and carry your arched body to the crib. It's going to happen.

When you decide that you can't handle the skin from the tomatoes or that you don't like blueberries today you needn't hand me every single unacceptable morsel to be taken to the trash that very moment - you can keep them on your plate until meal time is over.

You cannot eat all of the marshmallows out of the cereal canister. Mallow Oats will simply be OATS if you do that. Trust me, it's better this way.

Stop sticking your head through the bannister. Just stop it.

The staircase is not a place to put on a jazz show. Just move your bum up the stairs and don't worry about who carries blanky and who carries bunny. We will all be together again in fifteen seconds.

I always love you. Even when you're driving me mad because you refuse to have your nails clipped and I have to go sit in the other room on the couch for two minutes and breathe- I love you. When you roll over on the changing table like an alligator nailing its prey because I'm trying to get the "floofies" out of your nose and you've got some kind of mental block against tissues and q-tips - I love you. When you throw rocks at the glass door - I love you. When you take it upon yourself to get the chapstick out of the "do not enter" drawer - I love you.

It is apparent that you are going to fight me on everything for the next couple of years and I'm going to do my best to mentally (and physically) prepare myself. (Think: running bleachers and meditation). You're beyond stubborn. Potty training will most definitely have me rocking in a corner somewhere. But I love you. You're my wonderful, smart, adorably funny little girl. You're going to be a huge challenge but it's alright - we will get through it.

xo
Mama

I'm on the couch!

When you become a parent you also become aware of lots of thing that you took for granted before children. Like how easy it was to do errands, how little contact you had with a sandbox and today's favorite: how wonderful it is to lie on a couch for hours when you don't feel well.

I rang in the New Year with a stupid jerk sinus infection. This used to be my calling card but over the past few years I've been quite lucky. In fact I didn't have a single cold in 2013 - until New Year's Eve. It's like a pitcher giving up his first hit in the bottom of the ninth. This one snuck in at the buzzer, started off mildly and showed its true colors on New Year's day.

A sinus infection is pretty manageable under normal circumstances. My remedies are: boxes of tissues, Advil cold and sinus, drinking lots of water and dragging a humidifier around like an I-V. However, the biggest key to my success is rest. Rest is something that is pretty hard to come by these days. And with Gregg training on a week's worth of closing shifts I'm pretty much flying solo. Scarlett goes to bed at eight but it's a long stretch getting to bedtime. She's been really good lately-playing more by herself and enjoying lengthier activities. But all day meal prep and clean up alone can seem unbearable when you just don't feel well. Last night's bedtime stories and songs nearly killed me. Alright I'm being dramatic - but my throat was so raw that I definitely skipped a few pages ... and my heart just wasn't in that last verse of Frosty the Snowman. Not to mention - I sounded like Bea Arthur.

Today, my mom offered to take Scarlett for the night - a sleepover during the snowstorm! So I packed her up and Gregg drove her over there for a slumber party. She's napping as we speak. {Funny, she never naps here}. What am I doing, you ask? I am currently set up on the couch with my fleece blanket, water bottle, box of tissues and Roseanne on the TV. It's so nice to just lounge on the couch! No watching the clock to see if it's time to pluck Scarlett from the crib or caring about what we'll have for dinner. No sitting on the floor playing Memory or hunting down the tiniest bottle of mustard from her Lalaloopsy doll - again. No running up and down the stairs for diaper changes as our hot meal becomes cold. No time table. I can do whatever I want all afternoon and all night. And I get to do it while watching the snow fall. Added bonus!

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing those things with Scarlett on a daily basis - I enjoy them. I mean, I do tire of mealtime struggles and cleaning up all day every day - but I love my time with her. It's just nice to have a break when you feel like crap. It's nice to lie down for hours with no agenda. It's nice to only be concerned with what I feel like eating when I feel like eating it. It's nice to run the television. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm long overdue for a catnap.

Thanks, Mom!

can it, kid

So, I ran into some unfriendly kids at the playground today. My first encounter of many I assume. Scarlett and I tried a different playground that is really close to home. We were the only ones there for a while so she explored and climbed and tried the different slides. We walked around the field and she, of course, found a dirt patch to play in. We ran around a bit and just had a good time. I saw a few kids approaching on their bikes accompanied by a couple of ladies. Game on.

Scarlett was excited to see the kids and their puppy. The ladies put their bags and iced coffees down on a bench and had a seat. No hellos were exchanged. The kids ran to the playground. Scarlett stood smiling and enthusiastically saying Hi! to each of them as they ran past her. Okay, that's fine, they are kids, they don't know enough to - WAIT. Don't they know enough to say hi when someone speaks to them? What are they like 8? 7? They should know. Shouldn't they? Shouldn't their moms correct them? Am I being weird? Whatever, no biggie, let's move on. "Come on, honey, let's go back to the slide," I say as I grab her sweet little hand. 

The kids are now jogging off in another direction and Scarlett grins excitedly and starts toddler-running behind them yelling LET'S GOOOO!!!! She was so excited. They completely ignored her. They ran off and did their own thing. As I expected. Little bastards. Not one of them could acknowledge her??? And seriously, Iced-coffee Moms, you can't just say - hey my kid, can you say hello to the little girl? I know it's gossip time but please be somewhat aware that your kid might be a douche. "Come on, honey, let's see if we can find a four-leaf clover in the grass!" I say as I grab her sweet little hand. We head over toward the swings and one of the boys sprints to the swing in front of us. Scarlett smiles at him and says, HI!!!! and the boy shoots back a salty, "I'M USING THIS ONE!!" Ummm listen you rude little F*@C$#R, she was saying HI to you, she didn't want your GD swing. Hope that rusty chain is safe, jerk.

Again I took Scarlett's hand and walked away. Another child, a girl, began swinging as we walked past and I told Scarlett not to walk in front of the swing or she may get kicked. Scarlett was slow moving and the girl continued to swing even harder as I ran to grab Scarlett just in time before she was booted across the yard. Are they doing this on purpose?? It's like Children of the Corn out here! WTF with these little maniacs!! I realize children don't always pay attention and aren't looking out for little ones but come on. And honestly, by this point I was shocked that the mothers hadn't even glanced up from their chit-chat. How about reintroducing manners to your children? Maybe ask them to be mindful of others?

We were going to hit the slides one more time before leaving. I reminded Scarlett not to walk in front of the slides or swings or she may get kicked. I saw the boys listening as I told her. I took her hand just in case and was walking her toward the steps while one of the kids came shooting down the slide at us. You couldn't wait two seconds you little shit??? I'd had it. Clearly we weren't able to play with the older crowd. At least not a crowd with hands-off parents. We were outta there. We took a slow walk around the field - to distract Scarlett from the fact that we were leaving - and headed back to the car.

Yesterday, Scarlett dominated the playground. There were boys and girls older and younger and she had a blast with them - because their mothers were involved and paying attention. They were taking turns and being safe and playing with each others' toys. I'm realizing this whole mothering thing is going to be more challenging than I thought as I have to factor in the other parents - not just the other kids. Which is something I hadn't given much thought to - until today. I smiled at those boys and girls today while I wanted to knock the wind out of them... but really I was angry with their mothers. How can we make the world a better place if we are setting our kids up to be assholes? Sure, I am seemingly overreacting - it was just one instance. And I am a "new mom" and veteran moms will most likely scoff at this post. But it was a shitty instance and I hated it and I hated seeing Scarlett overlooked and I know it's going to happen a million more times. And I know it's not going to get any easier.