a letter to my dog...

Dearest Brody, 
I am truly sorry for neglecting you more-so since the baby arrived. You do need more playtime and lots of walks. I realize that throwing a cookie outside to you every two hours is a half-assed way to say 'I love you'. That being said, we do need to address your behavior. Simply put, you are being an asshole.
Prior to having the baby, never was it okay for you to dig your way under the deck and emerge full of black soil for me to scrub off. It was also never okay for you to bark incessantly at me through the deck slider and when I go to let you in you run off into the yard. If that is your idea of a fun game I gotta tell you ... that game blows. And another thing, I know that when we first rescued you we allowed you to sleep in our bed. However once you started to kick off me during the night like I was the flimsy wall of an above-ground-pool we squashed that scenario and gave you your own bed. When you decided to tear up said bed night after night we took that away too. Now I'm not sure if you have conveniently forgot our no-bed agreement or what... but if I find your ass on it one more time this week I will Fed-Ex you to Burma. That's right, Burma. Lastly, I need you to stop demanding your Frosty Paws nightly. Your "special treat" has turned into your dinner basically. And don't storm off into the bedroom when we don't give one to you - it is a reward. Not a daily vitamin.

Ahh what can I say...at the end of the day you are still the cutest dog in existence and we love you no matter what. (Although if you could stop waking me up with a different squeak toy every morning I'd appreciate it). 

Love, 
mommy