how to throw a party when your mortgage pymt is due...

Here I have a couple of tips on how to justify having a decent bash with virtually no dough. When friends and family hear nothing but your complaints on how broke you are and how everything is a constant struggle - how do you invite them over for an all-day/all-night rager? The funny thing is that when I go to a party - I expect NOTHING. I bring my drinks and, if necessary, my seat for the evening. However, when I invite people over (well at least in the past) I like to have food and beverages available. I used to take pride in cooking up some sausage & peppers and pulled pork, having a variety of chips and snacks and some always-popular Grey Goose, Captain Morgan, beer and wine. Over the past year the snacks have dwindled to say the very least. You're lucky if you can find a handful of Kashi in the pantry and not-so-lucky if you find the crackers I bought for Christmas... 2007. Basically, you are on your own. Parties that used to start at 2 pm now start at 8 pm. If you haven't had your din din by then you are shit outta luck. So here are my ideas for throwing an economy-friendly party when you are in the same, old, patched-up raft as me. (Can't use the term "boat" anymore. No longer applies to my lifestyle... and it's actually laughable that I am pretending that it once did).

Tip # 1. "The invite conversation"

"Hey, (insert names here), we are having a "get-together" on Saturday if you guys would like to come." I prefer the term "get-together" over "party". This way if only 4 people show up you don't look like a huge loser and if 80 people show - it will be impressive to your friends that you consider 80 people "just a little get-together" and leave them wondering what one of your "PARTIES" might look like. (I am aware that I use far too many quotations and parenthesis and I make no apologies for that). Once invited, the invitee may ask "What can I bring?" ... this is a crucial moment and you've got to NAIL the answer with a quickness ... Possible answer: "Well, we will have a few things to snack on but if there is something in particular that you would like please bring it along." OOOOH bad choice. This leaves the invitee thinking 'Well F that, I aint bringin anything, just wanted to be nice and offer.' Another possibility: "Hmmm, I think we will have everything covered - OH ya know what? Shirly was supposed to bring some chips and dip but she just called and won't be able to make it." NOT BAD. At least this person will probably say "Oh, no sweat, I will bring some chips!!" Pretty decent, however, you can buy chips yourself - a bag of chips is what? Like three bucks?? Get a little arrogant. BEST ANSWER: "Ahh ya know what? Would you mind bringing some pizza strips/calzones since you live right near -whatever bakery -? Kim was going to bring them but she is unable to come. I'll give you money for them when you get here." This is key. Always mention that you will pay them for the goods. Nine times out of ten they will say "Oh get outta here!" And if they don't ... either pretend you are already drunk when they show up and just keep "forgetting" to get the cash OR call them the day before, say you are sick and canceling the party and then call someone else and try the whole thing all over again. Also, very important, remember to NOT post the pictures on Facebook after a fake-cancel. If you use this method with even TEN guests - you will have a decent amount of food.


Tip # 2. "The booze, the ice and the start-time mislead"

Now, I always have some alcohol on hand. A half empty bottle of tequila, rum, wine, vodka and maybe some random Kahlua or something odd that I have no conceivable liquid to mix with it. I always buy a bunch of beer as well. However, I tell everyone that "I will have some beer and stuff here but just bring what you like." This way you aren't exactly saying, "I have nothing for you" but you also aren't saying, "Don't bring anything, it's taken care of." People typically bring their own drink anyway. Normally you will end up with 90 extra beers, a fridge full of weird little wine coolers and junk and often times half empty bottles of rum and wine. Score. A good thing to remember is to tell some people that the party starts at 4 and others that it starts at 2. You buy a few bags of ice for ONE cooler. Around 3 o'clock you call the "4 pm guests" and say "Hey could you do me a huge favor, our ice is getting COOKED out in this blazing sun, can you pick up a few bags for me?" When they ask "How many?" Just say "Eleven." Should be plenty.

There you have it. Sounds so simple doesn't it?? A sure-fire way to have all the food, drink and ice that you feel comfortable with at your backyard festival of awesomeness. Nobody will know! Everyone will thank you for your hospitality and you will be sittin' on sunshine!

Good luck! (Don't invite me, I aint fallin for that shit).