For those of you who know me - you know I am a grateful person. You know I'm always recognizing the many wonderful things that I'm thankful for in my life. So, in this lovely 'thank-filled' month of November I'd like to switch it up and be a rotten bitch. Here is an annoying post filled with complaints, "I want"s and "I hate"s. Enjoy!
1. I'd love to have a law enforcement official sit in my driveway and hand out tickets to every single one of my reckless neighbors who plow through the stop sign at the top of our street. And then have them hand out a second ticket to the very same neighbors who, upon returning home, whip around the corner at lightning speed just to get to their driveways. I'd like them to do this daily until each neighbor is so broke from ticket-paying that they are unable to afford their home, forcing them to find another hood and paving the way for awesome people to move in and exchange holiday goodies with me.
2. I wish I could visit the twenty-year old me so I could punch myself in the face for over-plucking my eyebrows causing my future years to be filled with the daily task penciling in fake hairs with expensive crayons.
3. I could eat an entire danish ring from Panera if I allowed myself to. I have incredible willpower when it comes to eating the good (bad) stuff. I would be 900 lbs if I didn't.
4. While I do put in the time and effort on a lot of things there are some things I just want without having to learn / work for them. Like to know how to sew. Or build stuff, like tables or cabinets. I'm not a fan of math or measuring so I'd like the magic wand for these kinds of skills.
5. I get aggravated by some of those e-cards and things that float around on Facebook. I'm pretty easy-going but I still have a line that can get crossed. I hate when people over-push their views/opinions on others. Be passionate but don't be an asshole.
6. I despise Bitstrips. Oh how I hate them. I have never seen one that is even remotely interesting, never mind funny. I get that it's between friends - an inside joke kinda thing and the characters are supposed to look like you even though they really don't. But it's dumb as hell. (Here's where Bitstrips fans yell, "YOUR BLOG IS NEVER REMOTELY INTERESTING OR FUNNY -YOUR BLOG IS DUMB AS HELL!" - stole your thunder, didn't I?)
7. I can't deal with people that text while driving. I wish there was an instant whistle you could blow that would make their phones melt.
8. I want a new chair. My recliner has been broken for well over a year and I finally abandoned it last month. I just stare at it with disgust as I walk by en route to the couch which is lopsided or Gregg's recliner which is also broken and requires at least two pillows. My lower back has never ached more. After the holidays we are buying some frigging seats. What do you think? One of those hanging swinging chairs? A papasan? A beanbag?
9. I hate that we have to rely on technology and morons to keep our lives running smoothly. Direct deposit goes awry and fouls up your entire existence for days on end. Human error or computer error - either way, it wasn't my error but it affects my life. How dare youuuuu! Makes me dream of The Mosquito Coast - remember that movie??
10. I don't enjoy Thanksgiving. Oh, calm down - it's not because I'm not thankful for family and health - it's because I don't like the menu. I'm not a turkey, mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce kind of girl. Give me a salad, some lasagna and eggplant parm. Christmas dinner for the win!
Happy Thanksgiving, friends. I hope you all enjoy YOUR turkey dinners with your loved ones. Please don't go shopping after dinner - sit and visit with the people who mean the most. Don't spend your holiday fighting a jerk for an iPad and swiping your card in front of a salty cashier. Have a nightcap and an extra slice of pie, tell stories by the fire - reminisce and make memories. The sales can wait.