February 8, 2012

watch what you say

"You are deaf, dumb and non-beautiful." These are the words spoken by my third grade teacher, Sister Lucien. Though they've stuck with me over the years they weren't exactly meant for me, they were said to one of my best friends, "K". 
Can you imagine telling an eight year old child these terrible things?? Never mind the fact that these unspeakable insults came straight from our Catholic school's trusted NUN teacher (that every kid was terrified of).
Well my friend, K, grew up believing partly that she was dumb and partly that she was ugly, (she knew she wasn't deaf and that she just had a little trouble paying attention). And it all stemmed from that one particularly unfortunate day.  K struggles to this very day, at almost thirty-five years of age, with her self confidence. She is very intelligent and absolutely beautiful but her ego was shattered and she never fully recovered.


And that is proof of just how fragile a young child's mind really is. I am not, of course, speaking of every child in the world - just a few that I know personally. Me, being one of them. I had my own life-shifting sentence said to me when I was the same age only mine came from a neighborhood friend. She had no idea the impact of her words at the time, and neither did I.  We were children.

My downward spiral began when I was standing with friends on the corner of my street and I remarked about how my grandmother told me that I was too skinny and needed to put some meat on my bones. I said it nonchalantly just making conversation. A neighborhood friend, two years my senior, quickly put me in my place, "You're so conceited!" I asked what the hell THAT meant (again, I was about eight years old). She explained to me that "skinny" = beautiful, perfect, awesome, what everyone wanted to be, etc. And by referring to myself as skinny, I was basically bragging about how awesome I was. I was mortified. The very last thing I wanted to do was to brag about myself! I thought I was merely relaying a grandma chat. I had no idea I should be ashamed by it. Ashamed. That is the perfect word for it. From that very day forward I would NEVER pay myself a compliment for fear of being "conceited". Somehow her lesson rubber cemented itself way in the back of my ever-expanding mind. I quickly referred to myself as fat and ugly so I would fit in with the cool crowd. Maybe I didn't believe it at first, but by sixth grade I believed it with all of my heart. 

I went through my teens and some of my twenties literally thinking that I was just a hideous blob and not really worth anyone's time or effort. I can assure you now that while I'm not skinny I am not and never was a "blob". Overweight, yes. Up or down 20 lbs all the time. But not a worthless blob. And I pray that I am not offending anyone by using the word "blob" - I would never refer to an overweight person in that cruel manner. Only myself. It has taken me YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRSSSSSSSSSS to finally learn that I'm not a grotesque monster. And that it's OKAY to say that my hair looks good today or that my eyes are a pretty color ... or any other mundane self-compliment. My self-esteem spent nearly twenty years buried. My husband and friends have worked HARD to rectify that. {Thanks, guys!} 

It is just amazing to me how we can say one phrase to a child and it can end up being the one that he/she dwells on, staying with them forever, causing a life-long struggle. How do we prevent it from happening to our own children? I didn't tell my mother about my life-changing conversation because at the time I didn't realize there was anything wrong with it. I only learned that twenty years later. Self-esteem and confidence are EVERYTHING. Without confidence we don't move forward. We just stick. Without self-esteem we don't live life, we just turn the pages in our calendars. I will do everything in my power to make sure my daughter knows that she is beautiful and worth the sun and moon. I want her to have the courage to pursue any dream, no matter how silly, no matter how scary. She will learn from my mistakes. And my misfortune.

14 comments:

  1. I think anyone can relate to this post. When I was little I was a little brat to my younger brother and whenver I was mad at him I'd call him stupid because that was the only thing that hurt him. As an adult now, I feel awful that I ever said that word to my own brother. I was just a kid but still... there is no reason to say awful things like that to anyone. I actually apologized to my brother years later when I was a teenager and had a clue how mean people actually are. I love him with all my heart and I regret ever saying that. I think it's up to us the parents to really zone in on our children and their friends and what is said. If they say something harsh I think we need to take them aside and have a heart to heart about how destructive words can be. As parents we all want the best for our children and we want them never to experience the hardships we went through. So, talk to your children and have that open relationship so they never have to know from experience. Great post!

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  2. Oh, I'm sure we're all guilty of saying SOMEthing not-so-nice to SOMEone at SOME point in our lives. My husband was made fun of for his "big ears" when he was a kid and he grew up really being self conscious of them. I never even noticed them until he made fun of himself while we were dating. Things STICK. We all need to be way more conscious of that fact.

    Thanks for reading :)

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  3. My moment was in the 7th grade. I'll spare the other party for giving me such a cross to bear, but it not only prevented me from forming healthy relationships, it caused me to be self destructive at times. I took the same vow the day my daughter was born, it's not easy but worth the struggle! Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

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  4. Amanda, it's amazing how many ways self-esteem issues can manifest themselves. our happiness now is all that matters but it sure would've been nice to enjoy our earlier years. :) thanks for reading!

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  5. You are so right about how vulnerable children are as their self-images are just developing. We were poor and my mom used to try to stretch the budget by leaving me in outfits long after they should have been passed on. One of my first memories is wearing a little red dress and having the impression I was too fat for it. At the time I was four. When I had my first daughter I often dressed her in special keepsake dresses from both sides of the family. I dressed her in the little red dress....when she was 2. When it would properly fit a little girl. Yet I wore it at 4 and felt fat. To this day I have no reliable sense of self when it comes to my size. I can be 20 lbs heavier, 20 lbs lighter. It doesn't matter. Inside I always feel fat. Always feel like a four year old stuffed inside a two year old's dress.
    We have to be so vigilant with what we say and do with these little people.

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    1. That is terrible, May! Young egos are just so fragile ... such seemingly insignificant comments or scenarios can really do some permanent damage.

      "Always feel like a four year old stuffed inside a two year old's dress." I hate that you feel this way but I just love the way you expressed it.

      I can so relate.

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  6. You brought tears to my eyes. I can't relate specifically, but I believe what you said completely. It's so important to be careful how we talk to children because it can define them. Self esteem - especially in girls - is a critical part of growing into strong and independent individuals.

    I'm so sorry for your friend, K. If I could give that Sister a pice of my mind!

    Beautifully written...

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    1. Thank you! Isn't it awful that a teacher would say something like that to a child?? Someone we are supposed to look up to and learn from. She really shaped K alright.

      You said it best, "it can define them" ... that's exactly it.

      Thanks so much for reading :)

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  7. Oh wow...
    Been there. I live in fear of being the one who says that awful thing my daughters remember for the rest of their lives.

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    1. I know! I will always to try to think clearly before expressing myself in a way that may hurt her feelings.

      It's such a delicate situation... good luck to all moms & dads

      Thanks for reading, Dawn :)

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  8. I have to be so careful what I say to my boys. My 6 yr old takes everything so literally and I forget that common phrases have meanings in society that are different from their actual words. The other day my mom said to him "the last thing I would want is for something bad to happen to you" and he looked up at her and said "you would want something bad to happen to me?". She spent the next ten minutes trying to explain what she had really meant.

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    1. Ugh that's another great point. Even with our phrasing we have to be so careful.

      I'm actually almost terrified to raise my daughter!

      Thank you for reading :)

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  9. I remember people saying things to me as a child that still haunt me. I try so hard to watch my words, but now I understand how easy it is to say something stupid at a bad moment that can really scar a kid. Great post!

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    1. Thanks so much! Unfortunately we really do need to be overly-careful ... something meant to be innocent can leave that lasting negative impact.

      Thank you for reading ;o)

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