October 28, 2010

pieces of my day ...

While in the shower I heard a fairly alarming bang. After sleuthing around for several minutes I came up with nothing. To be continued.

I was going over my budget when I heard an all too familiar yelping. I gave a quick peek outside, searching for Brody, and saw nothing but a serene yard covered in leaves. I checked the view from the kitchen door - not a creature was stirring. I threw some shoes on (well I didn't want to get my bare feet all yucky with overnight deck water!) and headed out the door. The yelping continued now with the addition of huffy gruffy barks. Yup. Someone had gone under the deck again into the forbidden and filthy unknown. Ya see, Brody is able to get under the deck with ease, following the flow of the "fencing" that is supposed to keep him out. However he has no exit plan. It must be pretty uncomfortable going against the grain in an effort to free himself. So, almost daily now, he whines and huffs and yelps until one of us hears him and rushes to his rescue. For a smart dog he never learns a lesson. So he comes out all energized and dirty, his "feet" just pitch black with the richest under-the-deck-soil in town. Always a pleasure. 

A simple trip to the ATM. Yeah, that should have taken five minutes round trip but I had a real peach in front of me so of course it turned into a lesson in practicing patience. Now I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, no agenda, no appointments. This was just a simple errand and I should have been relaxed and calm. But watching this woman pull up to the ATM, open her door, close her door, put the car in reverse, back up, pull up closer (not an inch closer than before I can assure you), open her door again and desperately reach for the keypad simply made my blood boil. Really??? Really? I watched as she fumbled around - like those struggling kooks on the over-exaggerated infomercials - hitting buttons and exchanging papers between the machine and her wallet. This took about four or five minutes I'd say. Sure, it doesn't sound like much but I thought for sure my head would combust. My two transactions took place in under a minute. I'd like my gold star now, please.

While doing some laundry I noticed that the bedroom window was wide open with NO SCREEN. Now, I think we have all heard my bug-a-phobe stories. I would never leave a window open without at least one layer of protection. Hence, my car never breathing a breath of fresh air unless I am inside it. So I was baffled. Where the hell is the screen?? Oh. There it is... it's in the backyard. Right. Because that's normal. Apparently the bang that I heard in the shower was our little gem, Brody, bodychecking the screen off of the window. I imagine he saw a squirrel in his yard, became excited and pissed off, pounced on the window knocking the screen into the backyard and realizing his mistake, ran out into the dining room to lay down like a good boy. This is how I found him after said shower. Thanks, Bro! Bastard.

October 24, 2010

our loss...

The past month has been a complete whirlwind and I have surprisingly chosen to share the story...

September 25. The best day of our lives... or so we thought. Gregg was in the kitchen unwrapping our take-out lunches and I was standing in the bathroom in disbelief. I shuffled out to meet him holding the most wonderful news in the palm of my hand. I raised it up so that he could clearly read the word Pregnant. We were ecstatic, shocked, amazed, excited, thrilled, overjoyed, shaking, nervous, nauseous ... you name it. Finally, after over a year of trying, and just a few days before our infertility testing was to begin, we were pregnant! We soaked that moment in for hours and eventually days. 

After realizing we couldn't eat we wrapped up our lunches and just sat together discussing the most amazing news we'd ever had to share. Who would we tell? How and when would we tell our families? When would I call the doctor? It was the best Saturday ever. 

We played with a few ideas and finally settled on how to tell our parents. We were so excited. They had no idea that we had been trying to get pregnant, it was to be a great surprise. We decided to make up signs. We sat together at the dining room table with a bunch of markers and crayons and created our masterpieces. Mine read, "I'm Pregnant!" and Gregg's read, "It was me!" We then took a picture of the two of us smiling and holding our signs and printed two copies - one for each family -  and we decided to wait a week to tell them.

I placed one copy in a benefits enrollment booklet and told my mom that I had questions and needed help. When she leafed through the pages she found it - and she was over-the-moon. She kept asking, Is this real? My grandmother started to cry, she was overcome with happiness - I'd never seen her like that. And my father gave us congratulatory hugs and handshakes. Everyone was just thrilled. 

We placed the other copy in a little box and wrapped it up to give to his mom. He handed his dad some Necco wafers and said, "This is for you" and gave his mom the present saying, "and this is for you." Within seconds we heard the scream of joy and his mom came rushing out to hug us tight and give us her congratulations. His dad, sister, her husband and his family were all very excited and it was a really happy moment. We felt like a weight had been lifted now that we let our families in on our big secret. What a great day. 

My first appointment with the Doctor went well. I had all of my blood work done and naturally the pregnancy confirmation. I was then set up for our first ultrasound. It fell during the week of Gregg's vacation so he wouldn't have any trouble coming with me. We were unable to see the heartbeat yet because we were only six and a half weeks. I don't know why they scheduled it so early but we were excited anyway because everything looked good. She did mention that I was measuring a little small and suggested my dates might be off. Knowing that my dates were 100% correct I was a little bit confused. Unfortunately it became crystal clear to me this past week. 

Last Friday night I started spotting. I have read and heard that this is perfectly normal and a lot of women go through it during early pregnancy. Over the weekend it continued and seemed to get a little heavier. On Monday I called the Doctor and made and appointment for the same day. I was unable to see my own doctor but a midwife was available. She immediately told me that she would be "unable to help me today." I was less than thrilled about that. I wondered why they wouldn't have just set me up with an ultrasound appointment. She went on to tell me that she would order an ultrasound for the next day and she urged me to bring someone with me. She continued to tell me that miscarriage was extremely common - instead of telling me what I hoped to hear, that my bleeding was normal

That night I didn't sleep a wink. I had cramping and the bleeding became even more consistent. I was now convinced that I was having a miscarriage. I couldn't stop crying while trying to get ready for the appointment. I was nauseous and shaking. Gregg met me in the parking lot and when I saw him there I began to cry again. The unknown was tearing me apart. 

We were called in for the ultrasound. The tech asked me if I wanted to see the screen and I knew right then that we had lost the pregnancy. I told her no and I looked as far away as possible. She said nothing other than, "You're gonna wanna speak to someone before you leave." She left the room with plans to arrange a visit with the midwife again, since my Doctor wasn't in. I looked at Gregg and said, "That's it." Those were the only words spoken as we walked back out into the public waiting room faced with the upcoming official bad news after just having our hearts broken. We fought back our tears for about fifteen minutes as we watched pregnant women and newborn babies breezing past us. I broke down and ran to the ladies room. 

The midwife explained that it was a miscarriage and that at seven and a half weeks the pregnancy was still only five and a half weeks. It never progressed. We were completely devastated. I didn't even know what questions to ask. I hadn't prepared myself for this. We walked out to the parking lot and went our separate ways. Gregg had to drive his truck all the way back to work to get his Jeep and come home. I called my mom on my ride home because it was her birthday. We had plans to go to lunch and shopping but instead I gave her the heartbreaking news. She insisted that I go home and rest which is what I did. Gregg was there shortly after and we both immediately went to sleep. 

I put away my pregnancy magazines and books, tucked away the congratulatory cards that we'd received, crossed out my upcoming ultrasound and check-up appointments on my calendar and began to process everything slowly. I thought back on the conversations that Gregg and I had - about ideas that we had for the nursery, to-do lists and even where we would keep all of the baby food and bottles in the kitchen. We were just so excited. 

I am currently on day nine of this miscarriage. I have had hardly any sleep, some horrible -and at times agonizing- cramps and sadly, a constant reminder of our overwhelming loss. We know that everything happens for a reason and we know that this doesn't mean that we won't have a healthy pregnancy in the future - but that doesn't make it any easier. We are surrounded by loving families with lots of children, pregnant friends and birth announcements. And many of these friends had to struggle through the same unfortunate circumstance. 

Disappointment is never easy. Having elation ripped out from underneath you is much like a balloon being deflated. What was once full and healthy becomes empty and pathetic. It is hard to remember the feeling of such great joy. But we have faith that we'll have it again some day. We only hope that it doesn't take another year to achieve.

October 13, 2010

what's up

Finally, finally, finally it is the week we have been plucking our eyelashes out waiting for... Gregg's vacation! So here we are, eyelash-less and smiling. It is so wonderful to have him home all week long. We have breakfast every morning together and dinner every night. What a luxury!! We've been here and there and in and out but are also peacefully enjoying each others' company sitting side by side in our recliners. With a few appointments, errands and tasks this week, our calendar wasn't exactly clear - but we planned our fun around life's little inconveniences and are perfectly happy. 

Our dishwasher finally shit the bed last week and its replacement arrived this morning. I am really going to enjoy staring at that gigantic eyesore box in the dining room until we get it hooked up. Goes so well with the rest of the decor. Doesn't make my OCD tendencies fly off the charts or anything... honest. 

We took Brody for a long walk on a shady trail today. Crushing acorns and dodging horseshit piles the whole way. It was beautiful. No, seriously, it was... 

This evening I will be preparing a lovely portion of pasta salad to accompany tomorrow's meal of delicious sausage & peppers. We are having a friend over for casual eats and conversation, a farewell of sorts as he is soon leaving for California. Don't they always head West?? He will be missed. Although I wish him happiness - I secretly hope he dislikes being surrounded by beautiful people and warm weather and makes his journey back home a quick one. "I feel that a change is, a change is gonna come."

I apologize for this diary-like blog post but I was in the mood to write with very little material. Don't give up on me, baby. 

Now go out and enjoy this amazing weather... we know it won't stick around long!

October 1, 2010

up and at'em !!

It happened again.

I woke up at 3:52 and could not regain my sleepiness. I tried, for an hour to slip back into slumber but it wasn't in the cards. So, I turned on the TV and flipped channels for a bit. Bob Ross painted a ton of 'happy little' evergreens and he made a pretty sweet fence using his knife. Sally Field was bucking for an Oscar nomination in some textile mill film. Numerous "actors" were trying out innovative ab machines and The Weather Channel warned of flash flooding and high winds. Oh wait, I can't forget the Magic Bullet infomercial where Peppy Peter enthusiastically prepared a fruit smoothie for Hungover Henry. I can't. 

Out of bed I hopped. Gregg doesn't like when I get up before he leaves for work. If roles were reversed he would surely be in that bed for hours more. So, it's sort of like I am wasting comfy bed time. But every now and then I just cannot get back to sleep. 

So what are my options? I checked the news, my email and Facebook. I found that Young Frankenstein is on television and did not hesitate to switch it on. I am already starving but would like to get the treadmill out of the way before committing to an egg white delight. 

This day will be a long one. BUT I am not complaining. At least I have the luxury of being home to enjoy the rainy/gusty weather. I'll do a little cleaning and laundry. I'll read a book and watch a movie. I'll most likely have a grilled cheese with tomato soup. And my ipod will play the soundtrack of 'Sheri's October 1st'. Not exactly sure what that means but it will probably include some David Bowie and Mazzy Star.

And now, as a special treat, my favorite song - (and yes, Gregg, it is 3 minutes and 11 seconds long -xo)